Page 93 of After the Siren
Jake had had his heart broken before. He’d let Kyle fuck him, knowing it was the last time, and then he’d watched Kyle walk away, trembling with rage and grief and the fuckingunfairnessof it all.
This was quiet, and gentle, and worse.
Stavs found his phone and his keys and left. Jake let himself slide off the bed and thump down onto the floor. It was for the best, he told himself. He’d get over it. He’d gotten over people before. Or, at least, one person.
It justsucked. He’d found someone he – well, what was the point in even thinking about what word he should use? He’d found someone he wanted for a boyfriend, he was seriously thinking about coming out, and it still wouldn’t fucking work.
His mum always said, ‘You don’t do the right thing because it makes you feel good, you do it because it’s the right thing to do.’ Telling Stavs had been the right thing to do. Stopping what they were doing had been the right thing to do. He’d told Stavs the truth, and Stavs had walked away. Which was fine. Footy first.
Jake
u free? can we talk?
Debbie
of course, I’ll call you.
‘Hey sweetie,’ Debbie said, as soon as he picked up. ‘Everything okay?’
‘Stavs and I broke up,’ he told her, feeling like his throat was closing up. Because that was what had happened, even if they hadn’t given it the right name. Stavs had been sleeping in his bed every second night. There was tahini in the fridge. A toothbrush for Stavs in his bathroom. He’d taken Stavs to the place he loved most in the world, to meet the people he loved most in the world.
‘Oh, Jake,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Me too.’
He couldn’t get any more words out. But he didn’t need to. He just sat on the floor, on the phone, breathing and listening to his mum breathe. She didn’t need to say anything either. She was there, and that had always been enough.
Except she might not be, soon. There wasn’t any bad news, not yet, but therecouldbe. He tried to choke back a sob and couldn’t. There were tears on his cheeks, but he couldn’t remember when he’d started crying.
‘Jake?’ she said. ‘Are you alright?’
He couldn’t speak. He knew he must be freaking her out – he must sound like he was dying – but he couldn’t stop crying. It was like the safety glass that had kept him from thinking about his mum had shattered into a million pieces. Maybe next time he broke up with someone he wouldn’t be able to call her. Wouldn’t be able to hear her voice and feel safe. Loved. There wouldn’t be a home to go to that was a place, and a feeling, but was mainly her – practical and indomitable, someone who took up so much space it was impossible to imagine a world without her.
‘I’m texting Xen,’ she said, and Jake couldn’t get the words out to tell her not to.
The door opened and then Xen was there, kneeling down and pulling Jake into his arms. Jake buried his face in Xen’s shoulder and let himself cry. Xen gently took the phone out of his hand.
‘I’ve got him,’ he said to Debbie. ‘We’ll look after him. I’ll get him to call you later.’
‘Sorry, Mum,’ Jake managed.
Xen put the phone down and wrapped both his arms around Jake, holding him close. ‘You’re going to be okay,’ he said. Notit’s going to be okay.Because they both knew it might not be.
Jake gave up on getting his shit together and let himself cry, Xen rubbing soothing circles between his shoulder blades.
‘What —’ Paddy’s voice, then footsteps. Another set of arms around him. It felt good to be held like this, close and warm. Even if they weren’t the arms he really wanted.
‘Hey,’ Paddy said. He kissed Jake on the top of the head. ‘We’re here.’
‘Thanks,’ Jake managed, his cheek still pressed against Xen’s t-shirt. Xen’s damp t-shirt, now. ‘Sorry.’
‘Better out than in,’ Paddy told him.
Jake managed to lift his head. ‘You usually say that when someone’s vomiting.’
‘It’s good advice in a range of situations.’
Jake felt like someone had grabbed him with both hands and wrung him out. They had a game tomorrow. He couldn’t imagine managing to play a quarter, let alone a whole game.
