Page 47 of After the Siren
He took his usual approach to getting into an ocean that might be cold, which was to run in and submerge himself before his body could register the actual temperature. Which might have been an error, in this case, because it wasfreezing.
‘You’re a fucking liar,’ Theo shouted as he surfaced. This water must have come straight from the Antarctic. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been in colder water.
Jake was laughing, his hair turned darkly golden. He threw his arms out, tipping his head back. ‘It’s the fucking best.’
‘I might die.’
‘Nah, I’d rescue you.’
‘Not if I drown you first for being a lying shit.’
Jake grinned at him. Sometimes looking at Jake when he smiled was a bit like getting winded. It wasn’t just that he was good-looking, it was that he didn’t hold anything back when he was happy. His smile made Theo think of summer sunshine, and freshly squeezed orange juice, and also the time he’d run flat out into a goal post trying to take a mark in under-16s.
Then Jake splashed him, and he stopped thinking about Jake’s smile. They spent a few minutes making spirited attempts to drown each other, then, a truce reached, swam along the shoreline for a while. Jake looked absolutely at home in thewater, occasionally flipping onto his back to do backstroke or diving to cut through the water like a seal.
They got out when Theo realised he’d lost feeling in his toes, then jogged back to their towels. Jake had packed extra towels, two Falcons hoodies, beer and two thermoses of coffee. Theo suspected Xen’s intervention.
They lay in silence for a while, Jake sprawled on his back and Theo on his stomach with his head resting on one elbow.
‘Why the beach?’ Theo asked eventually. He’d dried enough to sit up and pull on a hoodie. The breeze was nippy.
Jake was still looking at the ocean. ‘The beach always makes me feel better.’
‘I ... thanks.’ Theo hoped Jake wasn’t going to look at him. He was sure his face was doing something stupid.
‘You wanna talk about it?’ Jake asked. He’d pushed his hair back off his face and it was drying in tangles. His eyes were the same colour as the sky.
Theo thought about the last time he’d been at the beach, barefoot in the shallows with Priya walking beside him.
‘Not really.’ He realised it wasn’t true as he said it. ‘Maybe.’
Xen would probably have been the better pick for this conversation. He was a good listener, and he always knew the right questions to ask. Jake was not always a good listener, and he had no idea what questions he might have to ask. But Stavs looked like he needed to talk, and maybe he’d do it here with his hair drying in windblown curls and sand clinging to his bare calves. Jake had always found it easier to talk when he could smell the salt. When he could look at the ocean instead of whoever he was talking to. When he was thirteen he’d come out to Keeley on the beach, drinking stolen strawberry Cruisers, staring at the seagulls.
He’d thought about bringing Xen and Paddy as well. But he was more likely to get Stavs to the beach if he rocked up alone and made it harder for him to just say no. The three of them had had a post-game conference in Jake’s car about how to cheer up Stavs. Raze had called him as well, because apparently Jake was suddenly the resident Stavs expert. He’d told them all he’d talk to him.
Stavs didn’t look at Jake. He’d rolled onto his back as well and was staring up at the sky, one hand resting on his stomach and the other above his heart, like he was in yoga or something. Jake gave him a moment, digging a bottle of beer out of the backpack and putting a kombucha next to Stavs’ towel. Jake looked out at the waves, waiting, nursing his beer.
‘Things weren’t good,’ Stavs said, after a few minutes. ‘Last year, I mean. After that game. Or before it as well, I guess.’
‘Yeah?’
‘I’d moved back in with my parents after Sarah and I broke up, because I didn’t know what I was going to do. The apartment we’d been living in was hers. My parents were away, and I was ... I was pretty low. After all of that.’
Jake realised where the story was going with the skidding sensation of losing control of a car on a dirt road: you knew what was happening, but there was no way to stop it. And you couldn’t slam the brakes, no matter how much you wanted to.
Stavs couldn’t seem to look at Jake. He’d turned his head, but his eyes skirted over Jake’s face and away.
‘I—’ He stopped. ‘It doesn’t—’ He stopped again, and Jake stayed quiet. ‘Well,’ Stavs said, his voice soft, ‘things were ... things got a bit messed up.’ He swallowed. ‘I took a lot of paracetamol and chased it with a lot of vodka. I still don’t know ... I didn’t really want todie.I just needed to ... I don’t know. I needed to dosomething. To turn the way I was feelinginto something other people could see. But I called my friend Priya, and she came and got me to the ER.’
Jake wanted to reach for him. He didn’t, but he shifted so their wrists were touching. ‘I’m sorry you were feeling that way.’
‘Thanks ... I just ... I want this to work out. Ithasto work out.’
‘Why?’ Jake asked.
Theo met his eyes, then. ‘What do you mean?’
Jake tried to find the right words. ‘I get why you want to play footy, obviously. But, like, you’re smart. You do Law and you speak different languages and shit. You could do lots of things that aren’t footy. If I didn’t play footy, I’d probably be stacking shelves at Woolies. You’d be a big-shot lawyer or a diplomat or something. If footy doesn’t work out you’ve got options.’
