Page 38 of After the Siren
‘Right.’
It sounded very simple, when he put it like that. And maybe it had been, in the end. They hadn’t even fought about it. She’d been incredulous, initially, that he wasn’t willing to leave, and then they’d both been resigned to breaking up. It had been amicable, and maybe that hurt as well, in its own way.
‘Is it ... It must be hard, dating guys,’ Theo said, because he didn’t really want to talk about Sarah. ‘While you’re not out,’ he clarified.
‘I mean ...’ Jake shrugged. ‘Nobody I was fucking around with in school or whatever wanted to be out either, so it was fine. And then I was with Kyle – my ex – and that was fine until it wasn’t. We broke up a couple of months ago.’
‘What happened?’ Jake had asked first, so turnabout was fair play. ‘You also don’t have to talk about it.’
Jake lifted his bottle to his lips and took another sip of beer, then set it aside. ‘He told me we were done if I didn’t come out. I said I wasn’t coming out.’
‘Jesus. I’m sorry.’
‘I mean, thanks, but don’t be sorry. I’m pretty pissed with him.’ Jake sighed. ‘I kinda miss his dick, though.’
Theo choked on air. It was a good thing he hadn’t been drinking. ‘Right.’
‘Or maybe just dick in general,’ Jake said, as though the statement had needed clarification.
‘Fair.’ Theo was conscious that he didn’t sound totally normal.
‘What?’ Jake asked, laughter creeping back into his voice. ‘You saying you don’t ... actually, probably not. I guess it’s easier if you also like girls.’
Theo hadn’t been with anyone since Sarah, but sex didn’t feel like a priority. Or at least ithadn’t, except now he was very aware of the warmth of Jake’s thigh next to his. He hadn’t known you could get board shorts with a five-inch inseam, but here they were, the fireworks fabric stretched over Jake’s thighs, the hem barely brushing the top of the pelican tattoo.
‘I’m sure you could find dick elsewhere?’What the actual fuck.
Jake rocked them on the seat again. ‘It’s kinda hard ... I’m not on Grindr or whatever because I don’t trust randoms, and it’s not like I really meet people who aren’t on the team. And I don’t shit where I eat, you know.’ He paused. ‘Anymore.’
Theo was not going to think about whatthatmeant.‘Right.’
Talking about this with Jake was not a good idea. Not when Jake was bare-chested and slouched beside him, loose and relaxed. Jake had a good body – everyone on the team had a good body – but Theo thought he probably would have been just as attractive if he didn’t spend half his life exercising. He was so comfortable in his own skin, so quick to smile and laugh.
Jake took another drink of his beer. ‘I thought we’d get a dog, maybe,’ he said, staring at the ground. ‘Like, it’s dumb, because we weren’t even living in the same city, and we hadn’t been together that long, but sometimes I thought about us getting a dog and walking it or whatever.’ He paused. ‘Just, I don’t know. Having a dog. Together.’
‘It’s not dumb.’
‘It was my fault we didn’t get a dog, though.’
The last thing Jake should be talking about was Kyle. He wasn’t even supposed to bethinkingabout Kyle. He especially shouldn’t be talking about whatever stupid thoughts he’d had about getting a dog.
It would have been a golden retriever. A girl. They would have called her Daisy.
‘I ... I don’t know your ex,’ Stavs said, after a long pause. ‘But giving someone an ultimatum like that is ... that’s not okay.’
Jake shrugged. ‘He thought I was gutless for not coming out.’
Stavs winced. ‘I’m sorry I ... said what I said. About that.’
‘It’s all good. Well, I mean, it wasn’t, but you just wanted to piss me off.’
‘Yeah.’ Stavs laughed softly, then shifted restlessly. ‘And I guess sometimes I feel that way about myself. So I said it to you, because I knew —’
‘I get it,’ Jake said. It wasn’t like he had a big chunk of moral high ground here. But also, he didn’t want to talk about it. ‘So, what’s your New Year’s resolution?’ he asked, setting his empty beer down off to the side so he wouldn’t kick it over. He dug in his heels, sending the swing into a gentle rock.
‘Who says I have one?’
‘Yeah right.’ Jake did not believe that for a second. Stavs definitely had a colour-coded planner. ‘I bet you have a set of SMART goals written in your journal somewhere.’
