Page 91 of After the Siren
‘Yeah.’
Stavs was going to want to stop. Jake knew how important this year was to Stavs – he wasn’t going to want to risk it. Stavs was going to saysorry, and thinking about it gave Jake the same feeling he got when he saw a hit coming and couldn’t stop it. When he knew it was going tohurtand there was nothing he could do but brace for impact.
‘I’ll think about it,’ he promised.
‘Jake,’ she said, as he made to stand. ‘I’m not saying you shouldn’t ...’ She sighed. ‘You two ...’ She seemed to change her mind about whatever she was going to say. Then she shook her head. ‘I probably shouldn’t say this, but you two seem good together. Maybe it’s worth the risk. But you can’t choose for him.’
‘Yeah.’ He hesitated. ‘How did you ... I mean, with Cindy. How did it happen?’
Kat’s smile went a little dreamy. ‘Well, we sort of ... things happened in the off-season, and then we talked about how it would work. But it was a bit different. The AFLW was only just starting out, there wasn’t much media, and it was already a very queer-friendly space. I was pretty much on the verge of retirement anyway, so I knew if something went really wrong, that was an option. We disclosed our relationship to management and the team and worked out some systems for any potential conflicts. It wasn’t perfect, but we made it work, and then I retired at the end of the year and the issue went away.’
‘Why did you decide it was worth the risk?’
Kat’s eyes went to the photo on her desk. ‘I don’t really believe there’s only one person for everyone,’ she said. ‘But I realised one day that I knew all the ways she pissed me off, and I still wanted to see her every day. Days when I didn’t see herwere always a little bit worse. Every time I thought about doing something – travelling, going to see my family, going to the snow, even just cooking a nice dinner at home – I imagined her there with me, without even meaning to. Having to compromise on my footy didn’t feel like a big deal if it meant we could be together.’
Jake nodded. There was a lump in his throat, and he didn’t think he could speak around it.
‘You know,’ Kat said, her voice uncharacteristically soft. ‘If you two were together, I’d have your back. And if either of you, or both of you, wanted to come out, you’d have the support of the club. You’d have my support.’
‘Yeah,’ Jake said, and his voice didn’t come out quite right. ‘I don’t think I’m cut out to be that kind of role model.’
Kat frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Seriously? I can’t even put on some headphones and chill before a game without someone writing about how I’m not taking things seriously. You reckon I’m gonna be a good poster boy for queer footballers?’
‘Representation isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being there.’
‘Sure,’ Jake said. ‘But ...’ He stopped. There was no point arguing about it. He wasn’t going to come out any time soon, so it didn’t matter what Kat thought.
Kat was still studying him. ‘Look, whoever comes out first, it’s not going to be easy. Butnobodyis going to be the perfect example.’
‘There’d be some who weren’t shit, though.’
‘Jake. You’re a star player, and you spoke out recently for the AFLW and for queer players. You coming out would be a big fucking deal for the queer community. In a good way. I’m not saying there wouldn’t be a lot of chat about it, but you’d be a great role model. Youarea great role model.’
Jake shrugged. ‘Maybe. Kinda academic, though.’ He glanced at the clock. ‘Shit, I’m late.’
‘Go,’ Kat told him. ‘And think about it.’
‘I will.’
He was going to have to, now. No matter how much he didn’t want to.
‘Kat knows,’ Jake blurted into Stavs’ collarbone. He’d been trying to pick his moment. This was probably not it – both of them sweaty and tangled together on Jake’s bed – but if he didn’t spit it out he was going to go insane.
The conversation with Kat had been rattling around his head for the last few days. He’d kept meaning to bring it up. And, okay, maybe it was selfish and stupid, but he’d wanted a few more days of Stavs before they called it quits. He couldn’t see any scenario where theydidn’tcall it quits. They’d both been clear that it was casual, and it wasn’t Stavs’ problem that Jake had caught feelings. Even if Stavs had caught feelings as well. (Jake wasn’t an idiot, he knew when someone was into him.)
Stavs went tense. ‘What?’
Jake raised his head. He was half-sprawled over Stavs’ chest. It was one of his favourite places to be, hearing Stavs’ heartbeat under his cheek.
‘Kat knows we’re ...’ Jake gestured between them.Fuckingfelt like the wrong word.
‘What? How?’ There was a note of accusation in Stavs’ voice that made Jake shift to roll off him and sit up.
‘I didn’t tell her,’ Jake said. ‘But she’s like a sniffer dog for queer romance. She’s always been like that. She pulled me aside to talk about it.’
‘When?’
