Page 51 of After the Siren
‘I’m good,’ Stavs wheezed before Jake could open his mouth. ‘Just need a sec.’
He did not sound good.
Jake crossed the room and sat down next to him, not too close. Stavs might think he didn’t need anyone here with him, but Stavs hadn’t left Jake alone when they’d barely been on speaking terms, so he could fuck right off if he thought Jake was going to leave him now that they were friends. If he didn’t want Jake, Jake would get Xen, or Kat, or call one of his friends, orsomething.
‘You’re having a panic attack,’ Jake said.
‘No fucking kidding,’ Stavs said.
So, not his first rodeo. That was probably good, as much as it also sucked.
‘Let me help?’
‘No,’ Stavs said. Then, ‘Okay. Yes.’
Jake slid down to kneel between Stavs’ thighs. He thought about the last time they’d been in this position, the way Stavs had tentatively reached out to put a hand on Jake’s shoulder as though Jake might push him away. Stavs looked down at him, his breathing shallow. In slightly different circumstances Jake would have made a joke.
‘Can I touch you?’ he asked instead.
‘Okay,’ Stavs said again. He was staring at the jumper in his hands.
Jake put his hand on Stavs’ shoulder, curling his fingers around the spot where it met his neck, his other hand resting just above Stavs’ knee. The position brought their faces close together – so close that Jake could see every one of Stavs’ stupid lovely eyelashes.
‘Breathe with me?’
‘Okay.’
Jake started to count through each inhale and exhale, rubbing light circles over Stavs’ hoodie with his thumb. Touch had always helped Xen calm down, but Jake wasn’t sure if it might be too much, too intimate. Stavs shut his eyes for a second and exhaled, long and slow, then inhaled again.
Jake felt it under his palm when Stavs started thinking about it all again; he felt the hitch in Stavs’ breath at the same time he heard it.
‘It’s okay,’ he said. ‘You’re okay.’
Stavs gasped, his eyes losing focus.
‘Stavs. Look at me, I got you.’
For a second, he thought Stavs wouldn’t do it. Then his eyes locked with Jake’s. They’d never been this close before. He could see that Stavs’ dark eyes were hazel with flecks of gold.
‘I’ve got you,’ Jake said again.
Stavs followed his lead when Jake started to count again, his thumb still tracing circles on Stavs’ shoulder.
‘You’re good at this,’ Stavs said, once his breathing started to even out.
‘Xen used to have panic attacks before every game.’
Stavs blinked. ‘He ... he’s so calm though?’
Jake could see why he thought that. Xen had a careful pre-game routine, and he was good at looking like he was focused rather than shitting bricks.
‘Yeah, well, he wasn’t. Still isn’t, probably. Not that you could tell.’
Jake hadn’t been sure what to think about the club psychologists until he’d seen what Jenny had been like with Xen. He knew Stavs was seeing Jenny as well; he hoped he’d told her about the panic attacks. Wondered if he’d told Jenny he was queer.
Jake saw Mick every now and again, but they didn’t usually have much to talk about. He hadn’t told Mick he was queer. He probablyshouldtell Mick about his mum, but he wasn’t going to.
They breathed together while Jake kept counting. Jake wasn’t sure for how long. The position he was in meant he had to look at Stavs’ face: the sweep of his eyelashes every time he blinked, the slight bump where his nose must have been broken in the past. He smelled good, like the posh candles Lydia brought home from local markets. Jake wanted to touch his face, wanted to feel the rasp of his stubble, to kiss the delicate skin of his eyelids.
