Page 105 of After the Siren
‘Sure,’ Theo said. He’d deal with the knowledge and sympathy in her dark eyes later.
He took his time, as though delaying the inevitable was going to achieve anything. Jake was standing in the living room, his hands shoved into his pockets. He was wearing trackies and an oversized hoodie, his hair messy. When Theo came in, Jake’s whole body swayed, like he wanted to step forward and had to hold himself back.
‘Hey,’ Theo said.
‘You lose your phone?’ It was a Jake kind of question, but he didn’t sound like himself. His eyes were wide and blue and raw.
‘Sorry.’ Theo stopped a couple of paces away from him.
Jake’s gaze dropped to his feet. ‘Are you pissed?’ he asked.
‘What?’
‘Me coming out like that. Without talking to you about it. I should’ve ... I know I should’ve talked to you about it, but it just kindahappened, and then I’d said it and I couldn’t take it back.’
‘No! No —’ Theo heard his voice crack. ‘No, I ...’I’m a coward. I’m pathetic. I couldn’t say it. I wasn’t there when you needed me.
‘Hey.’ Jake’s voice was soft. ‘Stavs ... Theo ... what’s going on?’
‘I ...’ Theo was not going to cry.
‘Can we talk about this in your room? Like, I wanna talk about it, but ...’ He gestured to the living room. His voice was gentle. It made it worse. Jake shouldn’t have to be gentle. Jake shouldn’t be comfortinghim.
‘Yeah.’ Theo led the way up the stairs, Jake padding behind him. He wanted to reach for Jake’s hand. He didn’t.
Theo realised, opening the bedroom door, that he was still wearing his training singlet and compression tights. Jake reached over to flick the light on.
‘C’mere?’ Jake asked, and Theo’s body moved before he could think about it. Jake’s arms went around him and then he could breathe again: breathe in the smell of Jake’s shampoo, his body wash, the lemongrass fabric softener Xen liked. Jake ducked his head to press his cheek against Theo’s shoulder.
‘I’m sorry,’ Theo managed. ‘I’m so fucking sorry, Jake.’
Jake took a step back so he could look up into Theo’s face. ‘Theo, what the fuck are you talking about?’
‘I should have said something. I didn’t back you up.’ He swallowed, made himself keep going, even though he felt like he might choke on the words. ‘And even if Raze hadn’t said anything ... I don’t think I would have. I’m so sorry.’ He watched Jake’s face, waiting for ... contempt, maybe. Disappointment.
Jake reached up and cradled his face in both hands. ‘You’re a fucking idiot,’ he said.
‘What?’
‘It’d be pretty fucking hypocritical of me to be pissed because you didn’t come out. I would’ve felt guilty as fuck if you’d done it just because I had.’
‘But —’
‘But nothing. It’s fine that you weren’t ready,’ Jake said. He was closer, their lips a breath apart. ‘It’s fine, Theo.’
Theo’s mouth found Jake’s and they were kissing, one of Jake’s hands still on Theo’s cheek, the other sliding up to tangle in Theo’s hair. Theo wasn’t sure what he needed. To be close to Jake. To be touching Jake. He didn’t want sex, not now, not when he already felt ripped down the seams, and maybe Jake sensed that, because he kept the kisses gentle, guiding Theo back towards the bed. Theo sat when his calves hit the mattress and Jake followed him down, pushing him back and then stretching out beside him.
Jake kissed him again.
‘I’m sorry,’ Theo said against Jake’s mouth. ‘I’m —’
Jake broke the kiss. ‘Stop saying that.’
Theo exhaled shakily. ‘Okay.’
They kissed for a long time. Gently, not building towards anything, until all the tension in Theo’s body had drained away and he felt warm and safe and absolutely exhausted.
‘Are you okay?’ Theo asked, belatedly.
