Page 104 of After the Siren
The noise gradually settled. Tenders was staring at both Jake and Raze.
He looked ... not horrified. Just stunned.
‘Is there a fucking problem?’ Paddy asked.
Maybe it was the whipcord tension between Tenders and Paddy that snapped Yelks out of his surprise. ‘Right,’ he said, in the kind of tone that made everyone stand up a little straighter. He lookedshook. Jake didn’t blame him.Jakewas shook.
‘Jaze, Raze. Thank you for telling us. It was brave of you. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could say something to the team until now. Or that ...’ He paused, and for a second he just lookedsad. ‘That you felt like you couldn’t say anything to me.’ He looked around the room, his gaze intent. ‘That’s on me, and that’s on us – the men’s team. We talk about being family, being brothers, but what’s the point of family if you can’t be yourself? So we’re going to go out there and we’re going to show that this is a club for everyone, and we’ve got even more reason to do that now than we did ten minutes ago.’
Yelks paused, and Gabby stepped forward. ‘And in case it doesn’t go without saying,’ she said, ‘nobody says anything to anyone about this unless the boys say it’s alright.’
‘Too right,’ Yelks said. ‘Now, let’s play some fucking footy.’ Gabby whooped, and the room broke out into shouts again.
Jake exhaled fully for the first time in what felt like hours. Yelks might have dropped the bundle for a minute or so, but he was a good captain. Hecared, and that was enough for Jake.
Dex came over and elbowed Jake in the ribs. ‘Always need the limelight,’ they teased.
‘Yeah, I was worried you might show me up on the field. Had to get in first.’
Jake looked around for Stavs, but he was nowhere to be found.
Maybe he’d already run out with Xen and Paddy.
‘You good?’ Dex asked. They were almost the last people still in the rooms.
‘Yeah,’ he said, although something felt wrong in his chest. ‘Yeah, let’s go.’
Theo was sure he’d felt worse at some point in his life. He just couldn’t remember when. He wasn’t sure how he’d made it through open training, how he’d smiled for selfies and signedposters and run drills like nothing was wrong, like he wasn’t choking on nausea and listening to the thud of his own heart. Like he wasn’t hearingcoward, coward, cowardwith every step he took. He’d avoided Jake, which he’d known was a shitty thing to do – anawfulthing to do – but he’d also known that if he’d spoken to Jake,touchedJake, he wouldn’t have been able to keep it together.
Xen had said, ‘You good?’ and Theo had said, ‘No,’ because lying was too hard. And maybe Xen had understood, because after that he’d run interference, sticking close to Theo and keeping them both away from Paddy and Jake.
Theo had known, even as he grabbed his stuff and bolted once training was finished, that he was being a dick, that Jake would want to talk to him, that he needed to talk to Jake.But he’d felt the panic creeping up from the tips of his fingers and he’d run, got himself into the car and driven home even as he struggled to breathe, knowing he should pull over. Not pulling over. He’d managed to park the car and get inside and into his bedroom before he lost his breath completely, before he had to sit on the floor and put his head between his knees.
The one thing he could have done. The moment when he could have been brave. When Jake was waiting for him to be brave. Hadneededhim.
He knew he should get up, should eat something, should make a cup of sweet tea. Should tell Eva something was wrong. Should call Priya. Should look at the texts he knew he’d have from Jake.
He didn’t do any of those things. He curled up instead, closed his eyes as though that could shut everything out. Listened to his own shallow breathing, the scratching at the corners of his mind.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there on the ground when there was a tap at the door.
‘Yeah?’ His voice sounded wrong.
‘Theo?’ It was Eva.
He made himself get up and take the five steps to open the door. Eva was in the hallway, looking back towards the stairs.
‘Jake’s here to see you. He said he texted.’ She looked at Theo and her eyes widened. ‘Are you alright?’
‘Fine,’ he said.
Her hand twitched, as though she wanted to reach out to him. ‘If you ...’ She hesitated. ‘If you don’t want to see him,’ she said, a little cautiously, ‘I can tell him you’re not well.’
He almost said yes. He wanted to shut the bedroom door and let her deal with it. But he wasn’t going to bethatmuch of a coward.
‘No,’ he said. ‘No, we have some stuff to talk about.’
‘Okay,’ she said. She was looking at him like she’d put two and two together. ‘I’m going to be in a conference in the study. I’ll be in there for a while.’
