Page 98 of Follow My Voice
“I wouldn’t have been able to get through this panic attack on my own. It was very… intense. I thought I could control everything on my own, but this is the second time in a month. I keep thinking I’m having victories. I’m so deluded!”
“Don’t say that. Remember that panic attacks are not something you can control, but you can learn to manage them with the tools that work for you. And you’re doing exactly that. You’re doing great.”
“Greatis not the adjective I would use.”
“Then how aboutwonderfully?” Her smile is so genuine that I can’t help but smile back. “Do you know what the trigger was? The people in the hallway? The noise? Or maybe there wasn’t even a trigger, that can happen.”
“I think it was the secretary, when she let me know you’d been looking for me.”
“Why?”
“The last time I was called to an office, in high school, my mother had been hospitalized.” I’m surprised I’m able to say this out loud without my voice cracking.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. We’ll find a different way to contact you, okay? We don’t need reminders of sad moments.”
“Thank you.” I stand up but then remember that I still don’t know why she called me here. “What did you need?”
Ms. Romes shakes her head. “It’s nothing. I just wanted to talk to you about scheduling.”
“Oh.”
“I was wondering why you haven’t enrolled in any art classes for next semester, Klara?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m not trying to pressure you, but you won an award a few years back for your paintings, right? You must be very talented.”
“I don’t know how to explain it… Painting was so much a part of me, so connected to my emotions and identity. And now… I have no idea who I am. I’m terrified to stand in front of a canvas and see what I might paint, given my current state of mind. My paintings have always been so colorful, so vivid, so uplifting. I can’t imagine what they’d look like now. I think that, for the time being, I’d rather not.”
“I get it. You don’t feel you’ll be able to enjoy it, to truly feel it. But don’t you miss painting?”
“Every second of my life.”
“Let’s go.”
“Uh, what?”
“Let’s go paint.”
“Ms. Romes, I can’t, not now. I’ve had enough for today.”
“Okay, I understand. Take as much time as you need.”
She smiles one last time and leaves her office. Now alone, I picture Kang’s pained face. I’m not ready to see him and I might run into him in the hallway, but I go out anyway, heading first to the bathroom to wash my face. I feel unbelievably low from this panic attack, my spirits at rock bottom. It’s almost as if I take one step forward, getting my hopes up, only to take two steps back.
I go into one of the stalls and lower the lid so I can sit. I want to do some more breathing exercises, but I can’t stop seeing Kang’s hurt expression when I pushed him away from me.
I feel exhausted and devastated, because I know what I have todo. I recall the conversation I had with Kang about the amusement park, how excited he was and how I couldn’t share in that feeling because of my fears. And now I’ve just pushed him away, literally. My mind is a whirlwind of negative thoughts, made worse by what happened today.
What am I doing? I don’t want to hurt Kang, but I’m beginning to see that, with me beside him, he’ll only be subjected to more scenes like the one today. I have nothing to offer him and will only hold him back.
41Break Me
KANG
“ARE YOU IN,Kang?” Erick asks. “Are you down to hang after class?”
“I don’t know.”
