Page 86 of Follow My Voice
“If only my hair was straight. If only it were curly…”
“If only I had bigger boobs or more butt…”
“If only I were pretty, then people would like me…”
“I want to be like her. She’s perfect; I’m not…”
Unfortunately, we live in a society in which we are bombarded by images of beautiful people and made to believe that beauty is only one thing, and that if you don’t fit those beauty standards, you’re flawed. There’s not much we can do about that, but my mother always said that every change starts with the self. It’s hard to admire your own beauty. Dr. B. illustrated this one session by pointing out how much easier it was for me to see beauty in other girls and let them know it. And I thought back to all the times I’d complimented another girl.
“All the girls I know are beautiful; they all have something unique about them.”
Dr. B. smiles and says, “Now I want you to imagine that you see yourself walking down the street. What would you think is pretty about that girl?”
I struggle to come up with something, but eventually I do, and my answer surprises me. “That she has a beautiful smile and very pretty eyes.”
Dr. B. seems pleased. “It’s easy to see beauty in others, but when it comes to seeing it in ourselves, it sometimes seems impossible. Do you know why, Klara? Because we tend to be our own toughest critics. No one will judge you or criticize you more harshly than you do yourself. No one will be as cruel to you as your own thoughts. It’s hard to havegood self-esteem if we’re always hearing that relentless critic in our head. I want you to pay more attention to the things you think are beautiful about yourself. You told me that you like your smile and your eyes. Okay, so compliment yourself on those things in front of the mirror, every day. It’s incredibly therapeutic to look in the mirror and say out loud ‘I love my smile.’ You may not believe it at first, but over time those positive affirmations will change the way you see yourself.”
My phone vibrates and I pick it up.
Kang:I’m outside your house.
My heart starts beating wildly and I take a deep breath.
Me:I’ll be right out.
I stand in front of the mirror to position my wig, but Dr. B.’s words spring into my mind. I smile and remove the wig, letting my short curls tumble down over my forehead and ears.
“You have beautiful curls, Klara,” I say to myself before I put on my jacket.
I’m afraid of Kang’s reaction when he sees me, but I’ve made up my mind not to let fear rule my life. As I walk to the front door, I picture my mother beside me, Dr. B. winking at me as I pass, and Kamila and Andy clapping. I take a deep breath and pull the door open. The cool night air greets me. Change does not happen overnight, but step-by-step.
37Rescue Me
BREATHE, KLARA.
The walk to Kang’s car takes ages and I am acutely aware of every step, opening and closing my sweaty hands, biting my lip and releasing it, trying on different facial expressions. My heart feels as if it’s about to burst out of my chest and I swallow, trying to relax. I’d like to say that my confidence has not waned since I walked out the door, but it has; it’s hard to let myself be this vulnerable in front of Kang. His rejection would devastate me, but I know that, if I can be brave enough to show my true self to him, it will be much easier to face the rest of the world this way. Letting out a puff of air, I open the passenger-side door. I get in and sit for a second with my hands clasped in my lap, not daring to look at him.
“Hello, Klara with a K.”
I relax my shoulders and turn to face him. Kang is wearing a dark shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and dark blue jeans to complement his look. He’s as handsome as always.
He gives me an approving look as his lips quirk into a tender smile and he reaches out to tuck a curl of hair behind my ear before resting his hand on my cheek.
“I’m glad to see you’re not hiding anymore, Klara.”
I don’t know what to say. I was so afraid. But his voice and his words bolster my confidence. His reaction reinforces my faith in people. Not everyone is going to be critical of someone like me. There are good people, like him, like Perla, like Diego. People who are willing to accept me as I am whenever I’m ready to show them, and I think that the time has now come. Dr. B. is right: It’s harder to gain acceptance from ourselves than it is from others.
I smile and place my hand on his. “I’ve deprived the world of myself for too long,” I joke.
“I completely agree with that.” Kang runs his thumb over my cheekbone and I lose myself in his eyes. “Welcome back to the world, Klara with a K. There’s plenty of bad things about it, but many wonders as well. I’m so glad you’re ready to be a part of it.”
I’m acutely aware of his hand on my cheek, his face so close. My eyes flash to his lips and I blush. We hear the sound of someone tapping on the window and we both sit back in our seats. It’s Kamila.
Before I turn my attention to my sister, I notice Kang cover his face with one hand and turns toward the driver’s-side window.
“Hey,” my sister says, trying to get a look at the guy next to me. “You left your cell phone.” She hands it to me.
“Thank you,” I say with an awkward smile.
