Page 22 of Follow My Voice
“Really, thank you. I must have dialed your number by mistake, but you helped me so much. Thank you.”
Kang sighs. “I’m glad you made that mistake, then.”
“Why?”
“Because I got to hear your voice. I think it’s only fair since you’ve heard mine so many times.”
“My voice is nothing special.”
“I disagree. It’s nice and kind of growing on me, K.”
Now that the fog of the panic attack has lifted, it hits me that I’m talking to Kang on the phone and I begin to feel nervous. “I should go.”
“Okay, get some rest. If you feel bad again, you can call me by mistake anytime.”
I feel a familiar tingling in my stomach. “Okay. Good night, Kang.”
“Good night, K,” he whispers, and I feel the tingling intensify. “Oh, and K?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks for letting me follow your voice,” he says, before hanging up.
12Remember Me
DEFEAT.
What I feel is utter defeat, infecting every particle of my being. I thought I was getting better; I thought I could lead a normal life. I’ve been so deluded, such an idiot. Everything I’ve achieved over so many months of effort all destroyed in matter of minutes. I sit on my bed, my back against the wall, hugging my knees to my chest as if I might somehow be able to hold my broken pieces together.
After Kang hung up, I sat without moving until Kamila and Andy got home. I was afraid that if I did anything else I might have another panic attack. Talking to Kang calmed me down, but it didn’t cure me. My fears are still there, bubbling under the surface like lava waiting to erupt.
The voice inside my head has become mean and cruel.You called him in the middle of a panic attack? Do you have any idea how crazy he must think you are?Or, even worse:Now he feels sorry for you. Couldn’t you hear the pity in his voice as he was trying to calm you down? You’re pathetic, Klara.
Kamila gave me a long talk about how this was not a setback, and that my progress has not been in any way affected by this oneincident. So why do I feel so bad about it? I rub my face, lie down, and burrow under the covers to try to sleep.
What I hate and fear most about depression is the state of “deactivation,” as I like to call it, where you just feel numb. Things happen around you but you can’t participate, existing without any reason or motivation. It’s as if life leaves your body and you’re left an empty shell. You don’t live, you don’t think, you don’t speak, you just exist.
“Good morning!” Andy comes into my room. “I brought you breakfast.”
This is a surprise since Kamila is the one who usually takes care of me. I guess she can’t miss any more shifts at the hospital. My phone is on my nightstand, but I haven’t looked at it or listened to Kang’s show in a week. I’m sitting in what has become my favorite position: back against the wall, arms around my knees with my chin resting on them.
“Paula asked about you. She wants to know when the puppies can visit again.”
I don’t respond.
“Klara, look at me.”
I turn my head slightly toward him. The fine lines on his face become more pronounced, even through his facial hair, as he smiles kindly, his deep brown eyes staring at me intently. “You know we’re not going away, Klara.” He places a hand on my shoulder. “I’m not an expert like your sister, but I’ll speak from the heart. You didn’t take a step back. You had a panic attack, but those few minutes don’t cancel out all the hours I know you were feeling good. Think about all the fun you had with the puppies. Or when you practice your exposure therapy. Or how much you enjoy that boy’s radio show.” He squeezes my shoulder. “Don’t let a few minutes define things, okay? Just let me know what you need and I’ll get it for you.”
I think of how my mother used to take care of me when I wassick as a little girl. She would make me vegetable soup and feed me, even after I was too big for it.
“Open up big for Mama.” Her smile is contagious. “Come on.”
“Mom, I’m not a baby anymore. I’m eleven years old,” I say, rolling my eyes.
She pats my cheek. “You will always be my baby, now open up.”
I reluctantly oblige and she feeds me a spoonful of soup. It’s delicious. She looks at me with so much love in her eyes.
