Page 14 of Follow My Voice
Kamila appears at my side, studying me like always. “What are you thinking about? You’re on the moon.”
“Oh…” I soap a cup with the sponge. “Nothing.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure? That’s the fourth time you’ve washed that same cup; I’m sure it’s more than clean by now.”
I rinse the cup, turn off the tap, and dry my hands with a dish towel. “You wanted to talk to me?”
She nods and gestures for me to follow her to the living room sofa. I can already guess what she wants to talk about, so I’m notsurprised when she begins. “We didn’t finish our conversation the other day. Now, before you get worked up, I just need you to hear me out. The fall semester just started, and I want you to sign up for classes before the window for registration closes.” She tries to sound firm, but her eyes are wary, attentive to my every reaction. “I know it seems fast, but I’ve checked with your therapist and he agrees that you’re ready to take this next step. He wants to see you before you start your first day.”
“What, like he’s going to be able to prep me for it?”
“He wants to give you some advice in case you have any difficulties at first.”
“Difficulties? Do you mean like a nervous breakdown or a panic attack?”
Kamila purses her lips; the possibility obviously concerns her. “I can go with you on the first day, if that would make you feel better.”
“Of course, what better way to keep from attracting attention than to have my sister there as a bodyguard!”
To my surprise, Kamila smiles. “Your sarcasm is back, that’s good.”
I look out the window behind the couch. My chest constricts with fear as I imagine myself surrounded by dozens of college students, all examining me, expressions of disgust on their faces; the girls who used to say they were my friends, whispering about me.
That was high school, Klara,my subconscious reminds me.Maybe college is different.
Can I really give it a shot just because I hope the mean teenagers from high school have matured, though? It seems like wishful thinking. Dr. B. would probably say something like “How bad can it be? If it doesn’t work out, then we’ll try something else.” I bite my lip, considering my options. What if it’s too soon? We can wait another month, right? That’s probably a safer approach, and that’s what I need: to be safe.
I’m about to say no when I look away from the window and my eyes land on my sister. I face her hopeful expression, the glint inher eyes and those small wrinkles between and above her eyebrows that have gotten worse since Mom died, and I can’t say anything for a minute. She’s been with me through everything and she lost her mother, too. And she almost lost me. In this instant, as I stare at her, I can’t take that hope away from her.
MaybeFollow My Voice’s topic was meant to land on my ears. Thinking of remote classes makes me believe there’s a way I can appease my sister while still protecting myself as much as possible.
I take a deep breath because I need to believe that I can make an effort for myself and for her, too.
“I’ll give college a try, on two conditions,” I say.
Kamila’s eyes widen in surprise; she obviously didn’t expect a positive response so readily. “Sure, whatever you want.”
“I want to start with just one in-person class, and if it’s too much, I’ll drop it. The rest of the classes will be online, and I’ll choose them.”
“Okay, what’s the second condition?”
“I want to start out at community college.”
Kamila frowns. I have a feeling it’s because she was hoping I’d want to attend Duke University, the school she graduated from with honors. But my ex-best friend now attends Duke and I have no desire to run into her. Besides, the acceptance process takes months, and even though Kamila still knows people there and could probably pull some strings, that feels wrong, unjust to others.
Kamila thinks about it for a second. “All right, I’ll see about getting you enrolled in community college. You’ll probably start a few weeks late, since classes have already begun, but I’ll try to make it happen as soon as possible.”
I give my sister a tight-lipped smile and take her hand. “Thank you. I really appreciate everything you do for me.”
Kamila squeezes my hand gently. “It’s my pleasure, K.”
We hear the sound of the front door opening and shortly after, Andy appears, loosening his tie. “What do we have here? Girls’ meeting?”
Kamila lets go of my hand. “Klara has just agreed to start college this semester.”
“I agreed to give it a try,” I correct her.
Andy can’t hide his surprise. “Really? That’s great.” He sits down with us and we chat for a while about a case he’s working on that has been keeping him in the office longer hours than usual.
