Page 106 of Follow My Voice
The chilly breeze is here, and I’m holding my guitar.
Everything is the same, except you’re not here this time,
And every season that passes without you feels like a crime.
So many snow angels left for you to build,
So many dreams waiting to be fulfilled.
Life isn’t fair, and death isn’t much better.
Jung, I’ve written you songs and a million letters.
In hopes they will heal me,
In hopes they will mend me.
Losing someone you love is a pain that never leaves,
Never quavers, stays in constant grief.
But tonight, I’m healing and honoring you,
I’ll look for you in the snow angels, in the falling leaves, in the melody from the strum of my guitar.
No matter how much time passes, I hope you can follow my voice
Because I’ll always sing for you with love and joy.
My sight is blurry and I’m pretty sure everyone around me is sniffling. The lyrics, the soft guitar, the genuine grief in his voice. This is a side of Kang I’ve only seen once before. This is the raw, unfiltered Kang that carries the heavy grief of losing his brother. It’s heartbreaking, but beautiful. Maybe art is just an outlet for all of us, a way to expose to the world our deepest pain and, in a way, release it.
Diego starts the clapping, and everyone follows with cheering. Kang gets off the stage and runs toward me.
“Kang—”
He pulls me into a hug. “Thank you for coming,” he whispers and kisses the side of my head. “Thank you.”
We break apart and I look into his eyes.
I have so many things to say to him that I don’t know where to begin.
“I want you to listen to me, okay?” My voice trembles with nerves, and I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry that I pushed you away without giving you the explanation you deserved. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to ruin your life.” I pause to take another deep breath.
“Klara…”
“I’m a mess, okay? It’s literally a constant struggle every day, and I’ll have lots of good days but plenty of bad days, too. And you’ll see me laugh and cry, and maybe there will be more panic attacks, maybe I’ll want to shut myself away in my room again. I don’t knowwhat’s in store, but I do know that you can’t save me because love doesn’t cure depression and anxiety. Love can give you strength, it can provide a reason to keep going, and that’s a lot, for sure.
“I know I’m more than my problems, Kang. I’m kind, I’m a good friend, I can paint, I have a dark sense of humor and an unhealthy obsession with TV dramas, and so many other things that make me who I am. I am so much more than my depression and anxiety, but my depression and anxiety are part of me, too. So if you want to be with me, you need to know what you’re getting, the whole package.” My chest rises and falls. I feel like I’ve laid my heart bare.
Kang studies me silently, processing everything I just said. “Klara…” He takes the last step toward me and his hand cradles my cheek. I can feel the warmth emanating from his eyes. “I fell in love with the whole package a long time ago.”
My heart is about to burst. I bite my lip. “I worry that dating me might not be good for you.” I have to say it.
He sighs. “Every day is a struggle for me, too. I’m still getting over the loss of my brother; I still have days where I’m consumed by guilt and I feel like I’ve regressed in my forward momentum. I know you’re right, we can’t save each other, but we can be there for each other, along for the ride, right?”
“Yes.”
Kang leans toward me and I hold my breath until his mouth meets mine. It’s a kiss full of so many emotions, so much sincerity, that I clench my hands at my sides, bracing myself, soaking it all in. Our lips touch and it’s sweet and delicate.
