Page 88 of Follow My Voice
I need to get out of here. I can’t breathe. There’s something wrong with my lungs. I’m so scared.
I rush out of the theater and the winter chill hits my face; the fresh air is a shock, offering some relief.
But it’s only momentary, because I’m unable to regain control. There’s nothing I can do to make myself breathe normally. I’m not okay.
You have to calm down, Klara, breathe. But I can’t.
But then I conjure Dr. B.’s encouraging words in my mind.“You are in control. Even when you feel you’re at your worst, remember that you are in control. And remember that it will pass, Klara, hold on to that; a panic attack is always going to pass.”
It’s going to pass.
I move away from the entrance, walking with one hand along the wall until I turn and step into a dark and desolate alleyway. Hyperventilating, I press my back against the wall and slide down to the ground.
Come on, Klara, you’ve done it before, you can do it again.
I stretch my legs out in front of me, close my eyes, place my hands on my thighs, and begin to raise and lower them in that rhythm I know so well.
I am calm, I am safe, I am protected,I repeat over and over.
I exhale, tears streaming into my mouth.
I am calm, I am safe, I am protected…
My hands continue to move in rhythm.
I know what this is. This is a panic attack, and I know it’s going to pass. I’m in control because I know exactly what it is. A panic attack.
I repeat those words over and over, ignoring my cell phone vibrating in my pocket. I’m sure it’s Kang. He must be worried, but before I answer him, I need to get through this.
After a few minutes, I’m breathing normally again. I look at the parked cars in the distance and I feel the cold of the nighttime breeze.
I did it. I was able to get through a panic attack again, on my own.
I remember Dr. B.’s suggestion that I congratulate myself out loud. “Well done, Klara,” I whisper, hugging myself and rubbing my arms. “You did a good job.”
I stand up and walk out of the alley back into the light, both literally and metaphorically.
“Klara!”
Kang, standing outside the entrance, runs toward me, visibly concerned. And he grows even more worried when he sees my face.
“Hey, are you okay?”
I tell him the truth. “I had a panic attack.”
I search his face for any hint of disapproval, but he just sighs and pulls me into a hug. I stand there for a second, not reacting, until I finally wrap my arms around his waist. He smells so good and his warmth is so comforting.
“You scared me,” he admits as he rubs the back of my neck.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t apologize.” He leans back and takes my face in both hands. He looks at me with those black eyes that exude honesty. “I want you to understand that this isn’t something you have to hide from me. I know we’re just getting to know each other, but you can trust me. You don’t have to face everything alone. Let me help you. Iwantto help you.”
I put my hands on his. “I know, but there are some battles I have to fight on my own, Kang.” I offer him a sad smile. “There are times when I have to be my own knight in shining armor.”
He runs a thumb over my cheekbone as his eyes fall to my lips.
“I know the timing isn’t the best, but I’m dying to kiss you.”
