Page 29 of Reckless Roses
“Good luck with that.” I wink.
He rolls his eyes, as if he wants me to actually entertain the idea that he’s a better surfer than Leo, and it only makes me laugh, turning his eye roll from something playful into something serious.
He lightly pushes my board back from his as he lies on his stomach and paddles out to where my brothers sit about twenty yards ahead. I glance sideways, where August straddles his board a few feet from me, his eyes firmly planted on the horizon.
He doesn’t like to hang around Zach and me. Zach says it’s because August is into me, which I disagree with. I know August finds me attractive, and hell, I find him attractive too. He’s probably the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, honestly. But it’s more than that—we’re best friends, and neither of us would ever allow a mere attraction to get in the way of that.
August doesn’t like to hang around Zach and me for the same reason nobody else likes to hang around Zach and me: we’re toxic. I’m sure he’s tired of being put in the middle of his big brother and his best friend, feeling the pressure to choose a side when most of the time, we’re both in the wrong.
I wouldn’t want to hang around us either.
But now that Zach has paddled away, I turn my board and let myself drift toward August. It’s not until mine bumps against his that he finally acknowledges me. His green eyes squint against the bright sun. “Hey.”
“Hey, Augustus.” I smile, my mind and bones and heart instantly settling.
Being around Zach is a thrill and a risk, and that’s exciting, but there’s something about knowing you’resafewith another person that’s freeing. I’m not going to accidentally say the wrong thing to set August off. He’s never going to think I’m too dramatic, never going to be bored of my interests. I’m free to be myself in this moment with him, and for all the things Zach makes me feel, he doesn’t make me feel that.
10
ELENA
“TOLERATE IT” - TAYLOR SWIFT
AGE TWENTY-ONE - OCTOBER
I watchthe boats bob against the docks of the small harbor, floating above the evening fog so dense, I can’t see the horizon line beyond the marina. It’s eerie, unlike the picturesque Pacific Shores that bring people in from all over the world, but it’s exactly the type of weather I’ve been craving after a long, hot summer.
Slipping my apron off my neck, I hang it on the hook behind the kitchen door before grabbing my purse, shouting a goodbye to the owner of Harbor Coffee, Jerry, and slipping out the front door. The bells on the handle knob chime as the cool sea air crashes against my face, and I take a deep breath of it.
Zach’s crew won’t dock for another half hour or so, but that gives me enough time to get home, shower, pop some ibuprofen because my period cramps are getting progressively worse, and watch his boat roll into the marina from my balcony while I sip on my evening cup of coffee.
It has been my favorite routine of ours lately.
Leo and I rent an apartment right on the harbor. It’s about a two-minute walk from our front door to the coffee shop, and our third-floor balcony overlooks the marina, which means I have a near twenty-four-seven view of sailboats and fishing charters. My favorite part about living here, besides the view, is weekends, when I start my morning paddleboarding through the calm waters or writing on the docks.
The beach opposite the harbor has some of the best swells in the area, which is perfect for Leo when he’s training at home and perfect for me because he’s rarely home at all. He has been traveling the world almost constantly, surfing during competition season and modeling in the off-season. I’d fear him getting burnt out if I didn’t know he was doing it all because he’s constantly running away from something.
Running from the girl who ran from him.
Regardless, he makes a fuck ton of money, which means he pays our rent, and I get to live in a beautiful apartment mostly by myself.
The harbor is at the end of town, and while only blocks from our parents’ house and the neighborhood we grew up in, it feels like its own environment, since we didn’t spend much time down here as children. It feels like a little area that belongs to me, and I love it.
About six months ago, Zach began working on a crabbing rig. I know he doesn’t love it, but it pays better than anything he has done before, and it lets him work out on the water, which I think he enjoys. I like it because I get to watch him come and go each day, and most evenings, he winds up in my bed.
I know he’s lost right now. I know he struggles when he sees August and Leo following their dreams. I think he feels solidarity with Everett, who’s a little lost too, though it’s likely he’ll take over our dad’s garage when he’s ready to retire. Everett, at least, has a path lined out for him.
That leaves me. I took one year of community college before realizing it wasn’t the right fit for me, and I dropped out. I’ve never done well in a structured educational environment. I’ve always preferred to learn on my own. I’m still working as a barista, and by all appearances, I’m as directionless as Zach.
Which makes me a little nervous about the conversation we’re going to have tonight. I’ve been keeping a secret from him—from everyone except August—for years, and I’ve reached the point where I either need to give up on my own dreams or make them known to the entire world. I’m terrified for so many reasons, but a good chunk of them lie with how Zach is going to react.
We broke up for a solid six months just after I finished high school. Zach had moved out and was renting a house on the other side of town with friends. I was trying to attend college. He thought I spent too much time with August, and he felt he spent too much time with uskids, that he needed to grow up and get his shit together.
Which isn’t entirely wrong, except none of us are the reason he’s so fucking lost.
After distancing himself for a while and realizing the friends he was living with were a worse influence on him than all his younger friends, he came back around. I know he has always pressured himself to be the older, wiser, more mature, big-brother figure to Everett and Leo, but I think what he fails to understand is that they don’t care what he does for work or whether he went to college. He is and always has been that to them.
I know they idolize him, and so does August. I imagine the pressure of that is intense, but I think it took Zach some soul searching to realize they’re always going to look up to him no matter what he offers them, no matter how much money he makes, or what success looks like to him. For all the shit Zachhas put me through, he has been a good friend to my brothers, and a good brother to his own.
