Page 21 of Reckless Roses
“Why?” is the only word that comes out of my mouth.
As he searches my face in an attempt to read the emotions I don’t normally keep from him, he simply sighs. “Sometimes, I have to risk losing you to remember I love you.”
That’s like a searing knife right through the center of my soul.
“What the fuck does that mean?” I shove his hands off me, creating distance between us so I can breathe. His presence drowns me, makes my head swim, and leaves me unable to think straight.
I thought I was numb for a moment, too used to this carousel with him to feel, but after what he just said, my rage is more potent than ever.
“I don’t know.” He shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. “I was trying to be honest. I guess I… I want to feel like you’re fighting for it, Elena. Fighting for me and for this.” He waves a finger between us. “When you choose my brother over and over and over again, it doesn’t feel like you’re fighting for us, and then I wonder what the point even is.”
My head feels like it might actually explode, and I think I might like it if it did. We’re out here alone in the dark, and if he had to walk back into that party with my brain matter splattered across his body, he’d definitely go down for my murder.
The fucking audacity.
“All I ever do is choose you!”
“It doesn’t feel that way to me!”
My head falls into my hands as I palm my eyes, trying to rid myself of the tension headache this fucking asshole caused. “How did you kissing someone else end up being my fault?”
“It’s not. I fucked up. I should’ve talked to you.” Zach drags a hand down his face, falling back onto the bench. “But I don’t think you understand what it does to me when you hold my brother’s hand or ignore me to be with him instead. You choose him. You always choose him.”
I did choose August. I mean, I stumbled upon him too, but I could’ve had one conversation the day we met and never spoken to him again. That day, I saw myself in another person for the first time ever. Someone who loved art and reading and quiet, the way I do. Someone who didn’t question why I’d climb a neighbor’s tree to pick purple flowers or why it’s so hard for me to make friends.
When I recognized myself in him, Ichosehim.
I revolve around Zach like he’s the sun, but I rely on August like he’s the atmosphere.
I didn’t choose to fall in love with Zach, but I make an intentional choice every single day to choose August as my best friend, and the truth is, I’m not sure who I need more.
But I do know when Zach breaks my heart, August heals it.
If I walked away from my friendship with August, I don’t know if Zach would replace it. I don’t think he could fill that hole—I don’t think he’d want to.
“He’s my best friend,” I say.
Zach lifts his head, and the moonlight shines against his brown eyes like opalescent spheres, like stars in the sky. “Is that all he is to you?”
“Yes,” I breathe, sitting down next to him. “You might be the dumbest person I’ve ever met.”
He huffs a laugh. “Rude.”
“For four years, I’ve been infatuated with you. I’ve chased you, I’ve cried over you, I’ve forgiven you every time you’ve hurt me. I gave you my first kiss, my first…everything.”
“You said virginity is a soc?—”
“Yeah, I know what I said.” I smile at him, though I don’t feel it. “But my body is a fucking temple, and you’re the only one who has ever touched it. You’re welcome.”
He turns to face me, lifting a hand to the back of my neck. His fingers knot in my hair, thumb brushing against my nape,sparks rushing down my spine. The touch I fear I’ll never find elsewhere.
Zach says nothing, pulling my head toward his and dropping his mouth to mine. I let him kiss me, and I kiss him back because I know we’re both desperate for one moment that doesn’t feel like anger or tragedy. We need that fire running through our veins to be ignited by something other than pain.
But as his lips move against me, as I taste his tongue, I remember I’m not the only girl who has experienced this from him tonight.
I place a hand on his chest, pushing him back. “I can’t.”
“Elena.” His voice breaks. “C’mon. Don’t be like that right now. I thought we talked it out?”
