Page 92 of Wandering in Darkness
“I hated you,” I whisper as sobs attack me. “I hated you because I hated myself. I hated the fact that you weren’t there. I was convinced you could have done something even though I know you couldn’t have. I hated everything that reminded me of them and what I’d done, and that included you. And I… I couldn’t handle it. It was like there was suddenly this wall I hid behind where I wanted to hate myself, wanted to drown myself. That’s why I avoided your calls and avoided any chance for you to meet with me. I avoided all contact with you. Because I wanted tohurtfor what I’d done. Felix finally cracked that wall… but I still hurt. I hurt so fucking bad, Grayson.”
“I wish I’d have been able to do that for you. I didn’t know… I really didn’t know how much pain you were in. They transferred me immediately and I went because that is what I was told to do. I couldn’t just tell the military no. I couldn’t leave, no matter how much I wanted to. I had absolutely no idea how much pain you were in. No idea how much you’d gone through. And by the time I was finally able to listen to you… it was too late.”
I’m gripping him so tightly that I have to be hurting him, but I can’t let go. I feel like if I do, I’m not going to be able to get back up. “I needed you.”
“I know. And I wish I’d known that then.”
“I needed you so fucking badly. I needed you more than you’ll ever know. I had lost myself. I’d lost every part of myself, and I needed someone to tell me that it would get better because I really thought it never would.”
His arms squeeze tighter and it’s like the pain in my body lessens as I let him hold me up. “If you will let me, I will never let you go. I will never leave you. I will do everything I can to make up for what I did. Please, I’m begging you, don’t push me away.”
I tuck my head against his shoulder and close my eyes while I sob for the friends I lost. For the innocent lives taken becauseof my actions. For the families who’ll never see their loved ones again.
“It’s going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it’s going to be okay,” Grayson says, voice gentle as he kisses the side of my head. “I’m here. You’re not alone. You’re never going to be alone again.”
“I can’t do this alone. I’ve lived my whole life alone. I’ve never had someone to hug me, to tell me they love me. Besides a grumpy old man, I’ve had nothing. And I can’t keep doing that. I can’t handle it if you leave me.”
“I’m not leaving you. I promise that I’m here for you. What I did is unforgiveable, but please don’t think I did it out of malice. Don’t think I wanted to leave. I was blinded by the idea of following my superior. I did what I was told and I asked no questions, as I’d done again and again ever since I was eighteen. But I’m here now.”
Desperately, I hold his eyes. “How can you forgive me? How can you even want to look at me after what I did? You and Eddie were so close.”
He pushes my head up and cups my cheeks. “Youdidn’t kill him. Devon did. Please, I know it doesn’t feel like that, but know that it was Devon who determined Eddie’s death. Never you. Please, let that self-hatred go. Please stop hurting yourself over this. I know it’s hard. I know it might feel impossible, but Eddie and Tate would never want you to feel this way.”
“Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to suffocate… I don’t think I’ll be able to breathe normally again until we get to the bottom of this. Until Lt. Allen pays for what he’s done,” I admit.
“You don’t need to involve yourself with it. Let me handle it. He kept me away from you, sending me overseas despite his promises, drawing me as far from you as he could. In retrospect, I realize he wanted to isolate you, to make sure you never told someone who would believe you so that it would never get outwhat really happened that day. Despite not knowing his motives, I fought it, I promise you I did, Cal, but he did everything he could to keep me away from you. But now, I’ll do everything I can to never let you go… if you will let me.”
I sit on his lap next to the hole in the ground, holding him so tightly that I’m not sure I’ll ever let go as I cry again for the family I lost. I don’t know how long I’ve yearned for someone’s touch like this—how long I’ve ached to be held and to be told that someone else will take care of me, that I don’t have to shoulder everything alone.
Felix and Lane have drawn me out of the darkness, but I need a love that they can’t give me.
“If you ever let me go again, I will never forgive you,” I whisper.
His thumb swipes away the tears. “I will do everything it takes to hold on tight.”
Grayson holds me close with one arm while he scoops the dirt into the hole, covering the coin, and he holds me close as we return to Felix and Lane’s with Traveler trailing after us. And when I refuse to let him go, he heads into the bedroom with me. He doesn’t kiss me or ask for anything more. He just holds me as he whispers promises to never let me go.
SEVENTEEN
CAL
When I wake up, I’m being squished from all sides… but it’s a good kind of squished. It’s an… if I could stay here for a few more hours, I definitely wouldn’t complain kind of squished.
After crying my heart out, I feel exhausted and my whole body aches, but for the first time in a long time, I feel a little lighter. I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done, but being surrounded by people who care for me and love me… makes me feel like I can keep moving.
Slowly, I look over at Grayson, who is still holding me in a protective embrace as Traveler sleeps against my back. Grayson’s eyes are closed, and he seems to be asleep until the pig grunts and kicks him in the back.
“What the…” he groans.
I feel a little… unsure of what to do now that I’m not sobbing and in misery. I’ve never had someone to comfort me like this, and now I feel a bit embarrassed by it as I start to retract my arms.
Grayson quickly takes my hand and draws it close to him before he kisses a line from my wrist to my palm. “Please don’t pull away.”
“I don’t know what to do with this,” I admit. “I’m not good at relationships.”
“You think I am? I wasted so much time I could have spent with you.” He kisses my palm and then wraps his arms around me. “Just let me smother you a little a bit.”
“If that’s what you want,” I say, as if it’s not also what I want. Because even if I have no damn idea what I’m doing, I can’t deny the comfort I feel when he holds me like this.
