Page 91 of Wandering in Darkness
I crawl over to Eddie, trying to convince myself that this isn’t him. This isn’t the man I shot. This isn’t…
“Eddie, no… Eddie. Please…”
I paw at him, grabbing him, needing something to wake me up from this nightmare.
My breaths are coming in ragged gasps as I hear a noise and look up, my eyes settling on a gun pointed at me. It’s no surprise. I really wasn’t very careful or discreet after I found Eddie’s body in the spot I’d left it. I was the one who shot him, after all. And honestly, they might as well shoot me because I don’t know how I’m ever going to live through what I’ve done.
“I told you to follow me to the fucking car,” Devon says as he holds the gun steady. “I’m sorry, Cal… You really could have gone far. But now… I just can’t chance you telling somebody.”
Something possesses me. Something takes over my numb body, and as he goes to switch the safety off, I grab my gun and shoot him in the head.
He doesn’t even have time to look shocked.
I don’t even have time to feel shocked over what I’ve done.
I know I need to get up and find Audrey. I need to help her. I need to save her from the monsters in this place… but am I not the monster?
I lean over and grab Eddie’s jacket as I sob into it. He had to have changed clothes, but why wouldn’t I have been alerted? Did Devon purposely make sure I didn’t know? I mean… he obviously wanted me to kill him.
I can’t breathe while the world closes in around me and I question why I didn’t let Devon shoot me in the head. I deserve it. How could I have done this?
Footsteps alert me but I don’t even look up. They can kill me for all I care, but the “monsters” we were here for can’t even do that.
No.
The only monster left is me.
SIXTEEN
CAL - PRESENT
Grayson is silent as he stares at the hole between us.
“Anyway. So… it’s been a bit to deal with,” I whisper. I don’t know if I’m just trying to play it off like it was nothing, just want him to pretend I think it was nothing so he moves on and I don’t have to talk about this anymore, or if I’m just wanting to rush past all of this so I can move on with my life. But why is it so fucking hard to move on? Why’s it so hard to breathe? To stand? To eat? Why is drowning in alcohol so easy in comparison? And why is staying away from it so damn hard?
Grayson holds his hand out to me, and I don’t even know what to do with it. I stare at it like I’ve never seen such a thing before. I want to take it, but I don’t know what will happen when I do. My stomach clenches unbelievably tight and my breath feels like it’s been pulled out of me.
I’ve never recounted the whole story to anyone before. I remember calling Lt. Allen, telling him everything through sobs and gasps for breath. He told me it’d be okay, to get on theplane and come home. The plane I was brought home in carried Eddie’s, Tate’s, and Devon’s bodies. And Audrey, who’d made it out to the vehicle alone and confused about where everyone had gone, sat beside me.
By the time I made it home, a whole different story had been tossed out there, nothing like the hell I’d been forced to live. Lt. Allen informed me that what had happened had been a horrible tragedy, and every time I tried to explain what Devon had done, he shut me down. He told me that to keep me safe from having to deal with the repercussions of what I’d done, he’d keep it silent that I’d killed an officer and was also the reason why Tate and Eddie had died.
Although I made sure he was aware that Devon had switched sides, he kept telling me that there was nothing we could do to prove it. Lt. Allen claimed he wanted to protect me because right now, the only thing they could prove was that their deaths were on my hands. I wanted to fight him on it, I wanted to tell anyone who would listen, but the realization that every time I did, no one believed me made me feel worse and worse about myself.
And then the small semblance of hope I still had was ripped away when he told me that Grayson had been transferred overseas and he’d gone without having an opportunity to see me.
It was like my entire world was crashing around me and there wasn’t a single person left in it who could help me.
I don’t realize I’m holding my trembling hand out until Grayson’s fingers wrap around it and he draws me over that hole in the ground and into his arms.
The way his arms wrap around me feels too tight. It feels like I can’t breathe, but he pulls my head down to tuck it against his shoulder as a sob escapes me. My fingers dig into the back of his shirt. “I killed him… I killed Eddie… and I know that if I hadn’t taken that shot, Tate would still be alive. They’d all still be alive. I killed them.” I feel like I can barely breathe. My insides are beingsqueezed so tightly that I’m being crushed from the inside. I’m clinging desperately to him, like a drowning man scrambling for one last chance at life.
“How could you possibly blame yourself, Cal? You were following the orders of a man you trusted who had never led you wrong. Why would you ever think that he’d lie to you? Every single one of us would have pulled that trigger, Cal, because we are taught to listen to our superiors.”
And even though his words ring true, it’s like they can’t penetrate this self-hatred I’ve built up inside of me. “I hesitated. Something deep inside of me didn’t feel right when Devon told me to fire. I should have trusted myself… I should never have pulled the trigger. I killed him. I killed him, Grayson. Every night when I close my eyes I can see that bullet hitting, the way his body was snapped forward, the blood. I can see it all. I made that shot. I pulled the trigger.”
“You thought you were protecting your friends,” Grayson says, voice soft as he pulls me in tighter. “I know this has shattered you. I know this has hurt you more than I can ever imagine. And then I hurt you. I… I let Lt. Allen fuck with my head. After that day you messaged me, telling me you’d killed Eddie, I tried to get in contact with you but you would never answer. And I was told that you didn’t do it, that you were just blaming yourself for something you couldn’t control. I should have gone to you the second I could have instead of being swept overseas where I couldn’t see how much you hurt, but you know I couldn’t just abandon my position, no matter how much I wanted to. But I left the military as soon as I could, Cal. I really did. By that point, though, I’d already shattered your trust more than I could ever repair it. I couldn’t get through to you and then you were gone.”
I’m shaking but his arms are wrapping around me in such a protective embrace.
