Page 75 of Wandering in Darkness
“Yeah,” I say as I join him.
We walk in silence for a minute before he glances over at me. “You sure you’re okay? You don’t have to lie.”
“I’m not… lying. I’m just… I’m fine, thank you.”
He’s quiet, like he’s taking his time to comprehend my words. “You don’t have to be alright. Taking a life isn’t easy.”
Hesitantly, I nod, and we continue walking, each of us lost in our own thoughts. We’re still silent when we reach the vet clinic. I go in with him, but I stand back as he explains to the vet what’s going on and agrees to pay for whatever they’re planning to do with the dog until he figures out how to get the dog to him.
When he’s done, Grayson meets me outside where I’m watching the cloudy sky starting to darken.
“I’m sure someone out here would adopt him,” I tell him. “Won’t it be hard for you to get him home?”
“I’ll figure it out,” he says, sounding determined.
I’m secretly quite happy about it because I’d really like to see the dog again. “Okay.”
“You still good?”
“Yeah… thank you. It’s not the first time I’ve taken a life… I’m handling it alright because I know that what I did kept the people I care about alive. If I hadn’t reacted quickly, it might not have been a short hospital visit. One of us could have been hurt so much worse or even died.”
He squeezes my arm. “You’re right. There are so many other ways that could have gone.”
We walk about half a block before I turn to him and finally manage to spit it out.
“Are you going to pretend the other night didn’t happen?” I ask, trying not to sound hurt.
“Was thinking about it,” he admits, which is definitely discouraging.
“Why?” I ask, unable to keep the hurt at bay. “If it was a mistake, just say it was a mistake and stop pretending like it didn’t happen at all.”
Grayson takes a deep breath. “I know… and I was going to. I tried to, but I can’t seem to convince my brain it was one. Honestly, I don’t know if I can be in a relationship right now. There’s just… I’m not sure I’m at a good point in my life to do so.”
“Is it me, then? You’ve had relationships before,” I say, wanting him to be honest if it is me so I can just be done.
“I know, but not a damn one of them went well. I just… I get so fucking wrapped up in my work that I never dedicate time to the relationship like I should. Now there’s talk of me being transferred, and you’re here… and I just… I like you, Cal. I don’t want to ruin what we have right now. If we did this… I’d want to be at a point where I could dedicate myself to more than just work.”
“How long will you be gone for?”
“I don’t know. And that’s what makes it so damn hard. Will I be there a year? Or five years?”
“You’re not interested in leaving the military and settling down?” I ask.
“Honestly? No… so if we got serious… would you just get dragged all around as I moved here and there? Or stay where you were and we’d see each other on occasion?”
I want to tell him that I can do long distance, but he knows that. He’s not giving me the option because he doesn’t think it’s fair to me.
“For now, can we just keep going with things the way they are? And then… if things work out, they do, and if they don’t, I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”
I nod. “Yeah. Sure.”
Grayson smiles at me. “I’m going to be so good and not ruin this between us.”
“Good in whose eyes? Good in my eyes was you pinning me against the car and kissing me,” I mumble.
“Fuck,” he whispers.
I chuckle but promise him I’ll keep my hands to myself… for the time being, at least.
