Page 2 of Wandering in Darkness
She looks down at Felix spooning a pig then over at me where Lane still has some weird hold on my chair while I desperately try to keep a hold of my desk, and hesitates.
“I’m sorry… I think I have the wrong place,” she says.
“You do not!” Felix says as he leaps up and slides on the water the pig splashed everywhere. Thankfully, he has a desk to catch himself, so it only results in some minor splits that he just smiles his way through.
Copper, their German shepherd who Lane uses as a service dog, rushes to his rescue. With one solid lick to his hand, he deems Felix rescued.
“You’ve come to the right place,” I say with a smile.
“You… guys do nails?” she asks skeptically as she looks around.
“I can!” Felix claims. “Do you want like… polish or like the fake ones that you stick on… somehow… Cal, how do you stick on fake nails?”
“Does it look like I know how to stick on fake nails?” I ask as I examine my own nails which have been cut down to absolutely nothing. They’re still recovering from a time when I chewed them off during my destructive stage.
“I think… I think I’m looking for the next place over,” she says as she tries to give us a smile. It’s a smile of pity. She actually feels badfor us.
Felix gives her a smile in return. “Before you go, do you have a cheating husband? A crazy serial killer after you? Or possibly just a feud with your neighbor that you’d love for us to take care of? Or is your husband a crazy serial killer neighbor? We can do them all. Wait… notdothem… we can solve the problem. That’s the word I’m looking for. Notdo themas indoyour husband. Unless that is what you’re after and then maybe Cal will. Cal?”
“She’s left, Felix. She’s already left.”
“Even I could tell that and I’m blind,” Lane says.
Felix collapses onto the floor and his pig comes over and begins rooting around with his nose, trying to push him this way and that. “Is our business destined to fail?”
I shake my head. “You haven’t given it much time. We’ve barely opened.”
“We just need more clients. More word of mouth, that kind of thing,” Lane assures him.
“Lane, I bet if you stood outside in a thong and held a sign to promote the business, we’d be booming,” Felix says. “Or what if instead of a thong, you held two signs and your trick was keeping them from displaying your genitals? Then some random stranger who is definitely not me would snatch up one of the signs. That could be fun.”
“For whom?” I ask.
“For all of mankind but mostly me.”
“At least you’re being honest,” I say.
“Of course I am. I’m the definition of an honest man,” Felix replies.
“Says the thief,” I mutter.
“Hey, hey, you didn’t ask if I stole shit. You asked if I was honest. I willhonestlytell people when I steal shit from them.Like I stole a thin edge of the brownie you brought home the other day. I was so careful removing a thin layer around the entire brownie that you didn’t evennoticepart of it missing.”
I cock my head. “You stole my brownie?”
“Just the edge of it. You didn’t notice!”
“Well now I’m missing it!” I say in disbelief.
“It was an accident! You left it at our house! It was staring me in the eyes. It was literally begging me. It was like, ‘Felix, I want in your mouth.’ And how do I say no to that?”
“Sounds fucking creepy. I definitely wouldn’t put some sentient being come to life in my mouth.”
“You think Lane will get jealous?”
“No,” Lane says.
“I think he might get jealous,” Felix decides, like he didn’t hear Lane.
