Page 10 of Wandering in Darkness
CAL
Once the excitement of the drive dissipates, everyone falls asleep other than Copper, and I’m left in the silent car alone. I turn the radio on low to drown out my thoughts, but it seems to be struggling to do anything of use, and even when I try an audiobook, I soon realize that I have no idea how the characters suddenly ended up in the underworld because weren’t they just in a burger place?
I turn it off before I confuse myself more by paying absolutely no attention to it, and instead, I simmer in my thoughts.
My stomach twists into knots, and the closer we get, the more it threatens to gnaw through itself. Maybe my aching stomach will burst out of my torsoAlienstyle at the rate it’s going.
“I really hope seeing him won’t be too bad,” Felix says, making me jump.
“Fuck, I thought you were asleep.”
“I was, but you know how people sleep on their partners because they’re comfortable? Lane’s sexy rock-hard muscles ofdeliciousness arenotcomfortable to sleep on. It’s really my only complaint about them. I mean… if you saw this man naked, you wouldnotcomplain.”
“It sounds like you’re bragging, and I’m not quite sure why. Please, I beg of you, go back to sleep.”
“We could pull over and switch drivers if feeling his muscles would make you feel better.”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I say.
“Even in the dark of this vehicle, I can see the way you’re trying to crush that steering with your grip.”
I look down and realize that I really am squeezing it for all I’m worth. I’m squeezing it as tightly as my stomach is squeezing itself. I loosen my grip and glance at him in the rearview mirror.
“I’m fine. I’m serious.”
“So am I,” Felix says as he sets his head on the back of my seat. “This trip isn’t going to make your steadiness crash, is it? You’ve come so far.”
“No, I’m fine.”
“Cal, those words seem to be a mantra for you, but it doesn’t mean they actually mean anything.”
“They mean that I’m fine.”
“Why can’t you be truthful?”
“I am,” I insist. “If I’m not fine, I’ll tell you.”
“You won’t.”
“I’m done talking.”
“Cal,” he says, a bit of a bite to the word.
I grit my teeth, not wanting to hear Felix tell me how he knows that I won’t confide in him. How I’ll just run off without a word and try to contend with my issues myself. But it’s a hard habit to break. It’s nearly impossible to think that people want to help me out once I’ve fallen into that mindset.
I don’t think he realizes that I’ve only ever had myself. It wasn’t that my mother was abusive or anything; she just wasn’tthere. The life she lived didn’t include the word “mother” and from a young age, I was set to take care of myself, so I did. I didn’t rely on others. There were many times I had no idea where she even was. She always made sure there was enough money for me to feed myself and that was that.
The only person I semi-relied on was the grumpy old man who lived next door. But it wasn’t a relationship where he acted like the father I didn’t have. Instead, he put a gun in my hand, and we’d spend hours shooting at old items he had littered around his field until all of our frustrations seemed to disappear. And then we’d part ways and go back to our desolate lives.
I don’t know how to rely on others. And every time I have, nothing good has come from it. I’ve lost people, and I’ve learned that getting attached gets me nowhere.
I’m already aware I’ve let myself become too caught up in Felix and Lane’s lives, but they make it easy to get caught up in them. They sweep you up into their lives and drag you along whether you’re up for the ride or not.
“We’re always here to rely on. You don’t have to do any of this alone. We’re not going anywhere.”
“You don’t know that,” I say.
“I’m surprisingly resilient. And Lane… Lane’s even more resilient. And Antonio literally tried taking himself out with a rock, and he’s still here. I think we’re in this together for the long haul. You’re my child now, Cal.”
