Page 29 of High Stakes and Soulmates
“You did good,” Lorenzo says as I stand in the middle of the room surrounded by death. He just waltzes in after the fact instead of getting his hands dirty and praises me like I’m a fighting dog. The look on my face must encourage him to say more because he continues. “Ezio, they were criminals. This group is known for moving illegal arms and the assassination of several highly influential families. They are not good people. And we’re finally narrowing down their numbers.”
He sees monsters and all I see are dead people.
At least I didn’t have to go in alone this time, but it didn’t make it any better. I still ended up killing four of them myself. Their blood is on my hands like a stain to remind me of what I’ve done.
The others are rejoicing. One of them is laughing, and my eyes fixate on the one who seems to be getting a kick out of it. “Did you see that guy? He woke up and he was like a fuckingbird hopping around like ‘What do I do? What do I do?’ Typical men who are used to fucking over innocents; they have no idea what to do when faced with someone who can fight back.”
“He literally pissed himself.”
“I saw that!”
Lorenzo grabs the front of my shirt and jerks me into another room. “Ezio, don’t disappoint me. I know you’re not like the rest. We’ve been here for months now, and I’ve let you galivant all around with that pretty boy you’re obsessed with. I don’t let any of my other soldiers just fuck around like that. So enjoy your time during off hours, but during my hours, you’re doing your fucking job.”
“Do I not?” I ask. “I killed four people tonight. Did anyone else kill four?”
Lorenzo gives me a look. “You know what I mean. You’re crashing. I can see you spiraling. You need to toughen up. They’re monsters. You’re killing monsters.”
All I see are people. People who had lives. People who had parents and children… what if their child rushes in? What if I have to hear their child scream for them?
I rush out the door, nausea rolling through me. I know Lorenzo didn’t excuse me to go but he’s not going to stop me. I get on my horse, Valley, and direct her back toward town. At least I can hide in my room. I can breathe in there.
The mare slows when I reach the hitching post, but I feel like I want to take her and run into the darkness and away from my problems. Run to Arturo. I need to untack her and put her away, but as I dismount and reach to pull her reins over her head, I realize how fucking bloody my hands are. When did I get so much blood on me?
“Ezio?”
I freeze when I hear that voice, the voice I generally long for… the voice I currently dread to hear when I’m in this state.My attention snaps over to the front of the house we’ve been staying in since we got here four months ago. And I find that in the light of the moon, I can see Arturo sitting on the stairs.
“I saw you were out, so I was waiting for you,” he says as he gets up.
“Stop!” I shout.
He can’t see me. He can’t see me covered in blood. He can’t know what I’ve done. He can’t know that I’m becoming a monster. Or is it already too late for me? Have I already become one?
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Stop, stop, stop!” I yell before dropping the reins to my horse and rushing toward the stable. “Please, just stop.”
I hurry inside and find a bucket of water that I dunk my hands into. I start scrubbing at them, using my nails to scrape away the drying blood until my skin is red, but it’s not enough. What if he smells it on me? What if I missed something?
A gentle hand takes mine and pulls it out of the discolored water. “Stop,” Arturo says, voice soft. “You’re hurting yourself. Stop.” He cups some water and pours it over my wrist while he swipes away drying drops of blood that I missed.
“I didn’t want to do it,” I whisper.
“Then why’d you do it? Is he making you?” he asks.
I realize that I don’t even know what to say. I’ve caved and told him my role in the army, but I’ve never specified beyond that.
“It doesn’t matter,” he says, voice gentle. “You don’t have to tell me. But I don’t want you destroying yourself. You seem to be tearing yourself apart. You’re too good of a person. There aren’t many people like you left in this world.”
“No, I’m not a good person,” I protest.
“I know you killed a man the night we first met. He wasn’t a good man. I know it hurt you greatly, but I also know he’d hurt many. Does that give you any solace?”
Arturo reaches out and I feel how tense my body is as he draws me forward. My hands are wet and dripping, my flesh red and bleeding from the force I’d used to claw at them, but he doesn’t care. He pulls me in and wraps me up in his arms. And I just melt into him. It’s like when I’m with him, I can finally breathe.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t apologize to me. Why would you apologize?” He pushes my chin up so he can look me in the eyes. “I’m no stranger to the darkness of this world. You don’t have to hide from me.”
