Page 27 of The Defense Rests
I untangle the tutu and get it all straightened out, laying it on the bed.
"Okay, sweetie, it's all fixed. Can I help you up?" Kai nods and holds his hands out for me to help pick him up off the floor. That's when I noticed his onesie with the sparkly swan on the front. Swan Lake.
Now it's all making sense.
But something else is different, too. As I slide the white, sparkly tulle skirt up his bare legs, I have to stretch the waistband further to get it around his padded butt.Kai's wearing a diaper.The thought makes me smile at how deeply he has slipped into littlespace. It makes me equally happy knowing how much he trusts that I will take care of him while his mind is fully relaxed.
"Alright, baby. You are all set and the most beautiful ballerina I've ever seen."
Kai offers me a wide smile with blushed cheeks.
"Now that you are all dressed, why don't we head to the living room and we can play for a little bit. Then, while I'm making us dinner, I can put on a movie for you."
Kai bounces on his feet before he does a twirl. Then he twirls again when he sees the skirt–err, tutu–feather out from his legs and giggles. When he comes to a stop, he sways a bit and giggles more.
“Alright, silly boy. Ready?”
He shakes his head and points to his duffel bag. "Doll,
peas."
He must have brought it with him from his home because I don't remember having any dolls around here, other than his mermaid bath doll.
When I open his bag, I see blue eyes staring back at me, and my heart figuratively stops. I know those eyes. I know them as much as I know the owners. I pulled the doll free, and I was right. I remember the day at the center when I gave Kai this doll.And he kept it all these years. She’s not in as pristine condition as she once was; she has clearly been well-loved. Did he play with her? Go on adventures? Kai claimed he didn't spend a lot of time in littlespace. These are questions I will have to ask him later.
I turn to face Kai, who is smiling at me and pointing to his doll that I didn't realize I’m hugging to my chest.
"Here you go." Kai takes the doll gently from my hand and turns to skip to the living room.
We spent the next hour playing with his American Girl doll, which looks like him, and coloring in his princess coloring book.
"This color is Chartreuse. That's a fancy word for yellow-green," I tell him with a wink before he stands up and shows off his ballerina skirt for the hundredth time. "Yep, almost as fancy as you."
"Dat bright crown." He tells me and pretends to shield his eyes. "Dis one." He hands me a different crayon. I guess Tiana’s dress is going to be baby blue today. I finish coloring the princess’ dress before grabbing the remote control for the TV. I pull up my streaming app and findthe Barbie in the Pink Shoescartoon movie, and turn it on for him.
"Enjoy your movie and coloring. I'm going to get dinner ready, okay?" I tell him with a kiss on top of his head. I also make a mental note to take my boy shopping soon to buy more little things.
"K, da." Kai is mesmerized when he sees Babie twirling on stage. I don't realize I've been standing here staring at him until he gasps. I look at the screen, and Barbie is opening a box containing magical pink ballet slippers. Kai scoots closer to the TV, and I smile at him before heading to the kitchen to start dinner.
Since Kai is in littlespace, I want to make sure dinner isn't too elaborate and settle on whipping up a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches with fresh fruit on the side. Just as I finish plating the food, Kai lets out a horrifying scream.
I run into the living room and find Kai curled into the side of the couch. What. The. Hell?
I squat in front of him. "Baby, what happened?" I ask. Kai throws his large body against mine and holds on for dear life. His soft whimpers break me. "It's okay, daddy's here."
"Ba qwin. Ba." He says into my shoulder.
I look at the TV behind me and see what has him so upset. The evil snow queen. And my sweet boy is right; she is bad. I had no idea it was going to be scary for him, especially since he's in littlespace. I'm such an idiot. I just assumed it was a sweet story about a ballerina on a magical adventure.I should have watched the trailer.Note to self.
I reach over to the coffee table and grab the remote to turn off the TV.
"It's okay. The evil snow queen's gone, baby." Kai lifts his head from my shoulder to peek at the TV. I feel the damp fabric from his tears. "She's gone," I continue to coo while rubbing small circles on his back.
He nods as if he believes me, and his breath begins to slow.
"Are you hungry? I made us some grilled cheese sandwiches."
Sitting at the table, I slide his mermaid plate and sippy cup of milk over to him. How does he watch The Little Mermaidwith Ursula? There are more things I need to find out when he's in a bigger headspace.
