Page 1 of The Defense Rests
Prologue
Kai
"No, Daddy, not dat one," I scrunch my nose and shake my head vehemently–that's a fancy word for strong–at the doll Daddy is trying to add to our guests sitting around the small table for our pretend tea party. It's not that I don't like that particular doll; it's just not one of my favorites. Her outfit isn't fancy enough for tea. She is dressed for the park instead.
"I think she's cute. And I'm sure she would love to join our tea party," he insists with a little shake of the doll, making her straight long hair sway back and forth across her back.
I drop my shoulders, wishing I had a doll of my own to bring to the LGBTQ+ center for playdates. However, I still haven't gained the courage to buy one since I live at home with my parents and don't want them to discover my secrets. How would I explainthatto them?
"Her okay. I want one dat sembles…me." I let out a long sigh.
"You mean you want one that has curly brown hair like yours? Or one that's wearing a tutu?" he asks with a little grin while running the tulle fabric of my skirt through his fingers.
"Dress nice like me," I tell him, reaching into the doll box to look around for another one, but none are dressed right for our tea party.
"We could look through the box of clothes to see if something will work. But I know the clothes box is prettylimited." Daddy pulls the box closer to us, and I get up on my knees to look inside, letting out a long sigh of disappointment when nothing catches my eye.
After a few minutes of digging around, I call it quits. "It okay, Daddy. She come." I reach over and pick up the doll he had been holding. "I not care what she wears. I make her some-tin next time dat sparkles." And with that phrase, my heart aches, and my eyes itch.There won't be a next time, atleast not for a while.
I set the doll next to me and a teddy bear next to Daddy at the small table. The irony being that I call Daddy my teddy bear because when he wraps me in his arms, everything else in this life seems to melt away. He's my comfort.
It's hard to look at Daddy without crying.
"You are so beautiful, my butterfly," Daddy says while fakepouring the small teapot into our plastic cups. I pass out the plastic cookies, and Daddy makes a growling sound from the bear to thank me. I giggle. Then, in the same growly voice, he asks for extra honey in his tea, making me giggle even harder. He always knows how to brighten my spirits.
"Butterfly? That's silly, Daddy. I a people." I set down the basket with play food, telling him.
"You'remybutterfly because you are going to go off to Berkeley and do astonishing things–that's a fancy word for amazing. You are going to have a great life. I know it right here," he tells me while tapping his fingers on his chest above his heart. The sad smile he gives me tells me that he knows our time together is limited and that he's feeling a little sad too.
His words are all it takes for the tears to drip down my cheeks. Daddy comes around the table to hold me against his chest, and I let out a few sobs. How am I ever going to live without seeing this man again? He's been the perfect daddy over the past couple of years.
"I saw-y, Daddy. I sad ta-day. I gon miss you."
"I'm going to miss you, too, my sweet boy."
After we clean up from our tea party mess, Daddy reads me one of my favorite stories about a little girl who likes to play dress up and use fancy words. When the story is over, Daddy ushers me over to a small table for real snacks and treats.
"Yum, yum! Theys got sprinkles." I inform him while looking down at the cute unicorn-decorated cupcake. I take a bite and get frosting on my nose. Daddy looks at me and laughs as he pulls out a wet wipe to clean my face.
"Tanks," I tell him before taking another bite with as much grace as an alligator trying to eat a salad with a fork. Daddy puts the wipes down and rolls his eyes at my messiness.
After finishing our snacks, Daddy pulls me onto his lap to clean me up. Sometimes I feel awkward because I'm almost as tall as he is. But right now I feel small. I hold my hands up to him so he can inspect between my fingers, and then he kisses my fingertips.
"Oh, there is something else," Daddy says as he sets me next to him and then walks over to the reception area, smiling at Meghan, one of the mommies here. She hands Daddy a present, and it makes me a little sad. I shouldn't be jealous of people getting gifts, but he ismyDaddy, not hers. I should have gotten him a prezzie. Then, the thought made me even sadder. He's notmyDaddy. He was never fully committed anyway, given his demanding work schedule and the pressure of completing his medical internship.
When Daddy gets back to our table, he's holding the box and smiling widely, his eyes crinkling in the corners. I'd be smiling too if I just got a gift that size.
"Butterfly. I'm going to miss you while you're away at school, but I wanted to give you something to remember our times together." Daddy puts the box wrapped in white glitter paperwith a matching pink glitter bow and ribbon down on the table in front of me.
My eyes widen in surprise, my voice low. "Prezzie for me?" Now I truly regret my treacherous thoughts.
Daddy nods, and I begin ripping through the paper. Once I see what's inside the box, I freeze. My hands go to my mouth, which has dropped open. I feel my warm breath against my palm as my breathing picks up. Daddy helps take the rest of the paper off the box so I can see through the cellophane window. I leave the present on the table, get up, and throw my arms around his neck. "I luvs it so much. Tank you, Daddy."
Daddy breaks the tape that holds the lid on and lifts it off. I reach in and pull out the doll that looks so much like me. Her hair is curly and brown, her eyes are blue, and she's wearing a glitter party dress. She's perfect. Just like the man sitting next to me.
"While you're away at school, maybe she can keep you company. I hope the two of you go on many magical adventures together." I think I heard his voice crack, but I don't say anything because I don't want to add to the thick emotions between us. Instead, I pick her up out of the box and hug her to my chest.
"Is she really mine?" I ask. Not believing I finally have a doll of my very own.
