Page 24 of In the Middle of No(ah)where
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Noah
Squeezing the elephant Marcus gave me sends warmth through my body. He may not be standing next to me, but this small item feels huge. And when we touched. Holy hell. It was everything my soul had been seeking. He's my person. Standing on my own two feet for the past couple of years has made me become more of my own person. I was able to navigate what I wanted in life. There are still some struggles with the chaos in my head, but that will always be there.
Coping strategies have helped.
I would love to leave and walk around so I can keep this feeling going, but I promised Caleb I would be here for him today, and I won't break my promise. Ever.
Needing a change of thought, "What are you thinking so hard about?" I ask Caleb.
He sniffles as if trying not to cry. "It's just—"
"I know, buddy." He doesn't even have to finish. Barrett giving him the stuffed animal was everything. Caleb grew up in foster homes. He was bounced around a lot, and some of those experiences weren't good. He doesn't open up about them often, but he has let me in on some of the things he dealt with; kids stealing from each other, being hungry some nights, and sharing a room with two or three other kids. I can't even imagine. I had my own issues, but nothing like that.
I offer him a little squeeze as a few silent tears fall down his cheeks.
Looking around us, the crowd has doubled in size in the last fifteen minutes. It must be from the announcement of Kavi's delivery. It's been a half hour since Barrett and Marcus left. Only four and a half to go beforeIcan see Marcus.
Standing here longer, my mind starts to wander. All the bad 'what ifs' start to seep in.
What if he's dating someone?
What if he just wants to be friends?
What if he's not interested in me?
What if he thinks I'm just some annoying kid who needs to grow up, and he hates that we reconnected?
What if…what if my heart breaks all over again?
"Here they come!" A child's voice calls out, interrupting my downward spiral.
When I snap out of my thoughts, I see a small group of people all wearing zoo uniforms being led by Barrett, who gives Caleb a little wink. I can't say I'm a bit disappointed that Marcus isn't with him.
"Good afternoon, everyone. From the Rockport Ridge Zoo family to yours, we want to thank each of you for coming out to show your love and support to Kavi." Barrett continues to address the applauding crowd, talking a bit about Asian elephants and the impact this birth has on the species as a whole. "It is with great honor to introduce our newest zoo resident, Kavi's daughter…Lali."
The sound of metal shifts my attention to the large gate of the closed-off area. My chest flutters when I see Marcus leading Kavi slowly into the primary habitat. Soon, they make their way close to the crowd, and I get to see Lali for the first time. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I take some pictures. The first is an excellent picture of Marcus. The second is a picture of Kavi andLali. Several other elephants are in the habitat as well but are staying back a ways.
"She's so cute," Caleb whispers.
"Yes, she is. Thank you, Caleb, for getting me out of my apartment today. This is way more fun than playing video games all day," I tease.
After snapping a few more pictures, I suggest grabbing a hot dog for lunch before Caleb argues that it's his treat.
"Now, what kind of big brother would I be if I let you pay?"
“The bestestest kind.”
The word makes me smile, as I remember when we first met, sending text messages back and forth.
Since we have a few hours to kill before we meet back up with Barrett and Marcus, I suggest we tour the zoo and check out other exhibits—I really want to see the lions. After walking through a few gift shops and seeing the giraffes and zebras, I notice Caleb sinking further into little space. I have slipped, too. Just not as far. Any time Caleb slips into little space, I try to hover in my headspace so I can be sure to take care of him.He so needs a daddy.
"NoNo, look! Lines. It's da lines."
"It is the lion's habitat. Let's go see them."
"Rawr," he growls. "They sca-wy."
