Page 17 of In the Middle of No(ah)where
When we arrive at the pavilion outside one of the restaurants, one of the tables is decorated with animal print latex balloons and a large elephant balloon floating above the middle of the table, along with a cake featuring an African safari theme on top.
Caleb freezes, and tears fill his eyes.
"You did all this for me?"
"Of course we did," Emily says. She met Caleb at one of our game nights at the apartment. Several other middles are here to help Caleb celebrate his birthday, too. He just fits in with our group, and while we game, he often sits on the floor playing with his blocks. He's never entirely in little space, but he seems to enjoy himself. Everyone in our friend group has adopted him as our little brother.
Looking around the group, I realize I had friends before, but nothing as fitting as this. Not to mention having a best friend like Caleb.
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The arrival of summer brings me a sense of dread. It's been a year since I graduated, and I'm no closer to deciding what to do about my college plans. Making that leap is more daunting than I realized. I tried to take a tour of the local communitycollege. Still, it was so overwhelming that I didn't make it past the administration building before feeling lost. I ended up with a new cut on my arm because my typical escape wasn't working.
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Keeping life simple has been working for me. I've been focusing my time on my job at Steamed and picking up any extra shifts I can schedule. So far, things have been going well. Carlie even talked about moving me up to shift manager. Yeah me!
Carlos started dating a daddy named Jasper, and he's even stepped in to help me, too. Primarily, house rules around playing video games and maintaining a balance between activities that don't involve screen time. I've agreed to them and spend equal amounts of time playing LEGO or drawing. Caleb and I are inseparable now that he's graduated and in his own studio apartment.
Caleb often retreats into little space a lot, and I've taken on the role of big brother to help him feel safe during those times of regression. I mainly get him snacks and hang out while he plays with blocks or colors with his stuffed animals. Caleb's been on a few dates but has vowed to never date again since the last guy was pretty ruthless and turned out not to be a daddy at all—just some controlling asshole.
Tonight is the first date I've been on in a while. Aspen and I met at the coffee shop, and he was relentless with his flirting over the past week. I finally gave in to his charm. His looks didn't help either with his strong jawline, scruff, dark eyes, and hair. His height matches mine, and I'm guessing he's in his mid-twenties since I'm twenty.
I pull into the parking lot of Affogato, the new Italian restaurant in town, and exit the car. Aspen is standing by the entrance.
"I hope you weren't waiting long," I tell him as a greeting, and he leans in and gives me a hug.
"Nope. Just got here."
He holds the door for me as we make our way inside.
"This is nice," I tell him. "I've been wanting to try this place out for a while but usually just cook pasta at home when I'm craving it."
"I had a business meeting here a few weeks ago, and the food is superb." Business meeting. My heart aches with the memory of another man with dark hair and scruff who was in town on business when I met him all those years ago. Okay, so it wasn'tall those years ago; it was more like a couple of years. I never even got Marcus' last name to look him up on social media.
"Noah," Aspen says, pulling me out of my thoughts, and I instantly feel like the worst date. Here I am, thinking about another guy while on a date. The way he said my name tells me it wasn't the first time he tried to get my attention. My mind often wanders while I'm in the middle of conversations. Shit, how do I explain to him about my inattentive ADHD? It's the reason I had such a hard time in school. Reading was tough since I would read a few pages and have no idea what I read because my brain was thinking about something else.
"Sorry, I get lost in my head sometimes," I tell the half-truth.
"That's okay. As long as you're not a space cadet," he teases, and I know his comment was supposed to be a joke, but it hits me wrong because it reminds me of all the names my dad called me growing up. "I can't even imagine dating someone who was distracted all the time."
Does he even realize the hurtful things he's saying? Seeing Kai waiting tables across the dining room, I think of how he's always confident and try to channel that confidence now.
"I can." I deadpan.
He pauses his water glass next to his lips. "Huh?"
"I can imagine it. I have ADHD and have struggled most of my life." I don't get into too much detail because I know this date isn't going to go any further than tonight. It's the reason I still struggle to apply to colleges and do something other than work at Steamed.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend. I was just teasing." He says, trying to backpedal.
"Joking about someone's mental state is never okay." I take a sip of my water before standing.Who am I right now?Usually, I would joke along with them and play it off. I've just had enough for one night.
Enough of not being good enough.
Enough of being broken.
Enough of being unlovable.
