Page 53 of Curtain Call
“While you are here, get the most out of it. Accepting that you have an eating disorder is the hardest part of the journey. You are going through the same program as everyone else, but unlike them, you checked yourself in so you are already one step ahead. That act tells me that you are serious about getting the help you need.”
Riley grinned just as the little alarm on the table sounded to indicate his time was over for this session.
“I’ll see you in a few days, Riley.”
Journal Entry
January 11th,
I am writing my first journal entry ever with probably one of the nicest pens I’ve ever used. I like the way it clicks when I press the metal end. I was surprised Dr. Rick gave this to me, but I guess it’s not prison and I’m not going to shank anyone with it. Maybe my roommate. He’s kinda frail. I could take him. Just kidding. I better not write like that just in case something happens, and this is the evidence the DA needs to frame me.
So–words, words, words. I’m not sure what to write. I just like the way this pen smoothly writes across the page. Maybe another time I can write an actual feeling–feeling - feeling. Lonely. I guess I’m feeling lonely.
Scene 2
January 14th
Riley
“144.2,” the nurse says before writing the number in his chart. “You’re up a couple more pounds since you checked in so that’s good.”
Riley doesn’t hate food like everyone else here. What he struggles with is finding the balance between his mental state and his body issues. Riley used food as a way of comfort in high school and gained quite a bit of weight. Partly because he was gay and wasn’t sure how to navigate it, especially being in love with a straight guy – so he thought. Then, he started losing weight when he saw the thin girls Colin dated and wanted to be more attractive to him. If only Riley could be Colin’s type, he thought. But then he was one of the fortunate ones and Broadway happened. He kept his weight on as part of his contract in the Book of Mormon.
His contract.
A darkness fell over Riley’s mood and his stomach was on a roller coaster full speed.
“Remove your gown, please,” the nurse ordered after taking his vitals which appeared in the normal range.
Riley slipped the gown down exposing his naked body.
Liz, from her nurse’s badge, turned his arms over. She checked the crease inside his elbow and lifted his arms to run her gloved hand down each armpit. She proceeded to look between his fingers before pressing his nails to check his blood flow. She then followed the same pattern to the lower half, except down there she used the back of her hands to move his balls to each side, lifting them to check underneath his scrotum before turning him around and inspecting between his ass cheeks.
During the first few visits to the nurse, Riley was very uneasy with the whole process and was ready to check himself out of this joint. But now it’s been part of the routine and his embarrassment level is nonexistent. He even mentally jokes about how he needs to remember all these steps for his next date.
After updating his chart, she commends him on his progress before handing him a small paper cup containing two little blue pills. He swallows them without water, pulls on his gown, wraps a small blanket around his shoulders, and exits into the hall.
At the end of the hall, double doors swing outward to exit into the lobby where people can meet up with their visitors. Only registered patients are allowed past those doors on this side. Riley remembers coming in those doors. His duffle bag was searched as if he was crossing the border with bags of narcotics. The only thing they confiscated was his razor and replaced it with an electrical one.
Riley made his way back to his room, which he shared with one other guy, Jackson Murphy. The other patients call him Muff. You can’t make this shit up. This guy didn’t look anything like Jax and was a little bit scary. Not bully scary, but more like zombie scary. Riley makes sure he keeps his belongings locked in his wardrobe and the key stays on a chain around his neck. Muff is about Riley’s height, with sandy blonde hair that looks dry and brittle, dark circles around his sunken eyes, and is more along the lines of having a severe eating disorder. He has been at the treatment center for about seven weeks and has only put on two pounds.
Prior to coming here, according to Muff in group sessions, he was force-fed through a gastric tube because he refused to eat. The tube didn’t last long because he was caught crushing pills and pushing them through his tube trying to attempt suicide. The story is inspiring to Riley because Riley is nowhere near that level. Riley has a lot to lose if he doesn’t get his life back on track. Riley knows he has already lost a lot and there is going to be a lot of mending that needs to take place if people in his life will accept it.
Riley walks into the empty room and changes into his jeans, slips his red Boston University hoodie on over a t-shirt, along with what used to be his white Converse but are now scuffed and well broken-in. The hoodie was the one that he was wearing when he was with Colin on an afternoon walk. They met for coffee before Colin had to be at the theater. They walked around downtown Rockport, looked at the Christmas window displays, pointed and smiled at things, and for a moment Riley was happy just being present in the moment with Colin. No stage. No crowds. No lights. Just Colin.
Riley wraps his arms around his torso and squeezed. It wasn’t the same as when Colin did it. Would he ever feel those arms around him again? And if he did, would they hold the same meaning? The pit of his stomach ached. He pulled the key out from under his sweatshirt and grabbed the notebook from the locked wardrobe.
Journal Entry
January 14th
Today was a good day for my recovery. The nurse said I was on track and my vitals looked good. There is a hole in my chest the size of the Grand Canyon. I put on my BU sweatshirt and instantly teared up thinking of the last time I wore it. A date with Colin. God, I miss him. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I can’t believe I messed up. What is wrong with me? It’s been almost a month since I have spoken to him, and I know I’m the last person he wants to hear from.
Scene 3
January 16th
Riley
