Page 88 of Puck to the Heart
Enough time passedover the next couple of weeks for the ache of missing Olivia to solidify into an amorphous throbbing rather than stabbing pain in the center of my chest. Except when I found some little reminder of her, like the bookmark she’d left in one of my books, or the toothbrush she’d deposited in my bathroom, or worst of all, books I’d set aside to share with her..
Finding it so casually left open on an end table, as if she always intended to return, was a jolt of electricity, both good and bad. All the good of being with her and the bad of the things I said.Wesaid. The little sounds she’d made, and the words she left unspoken when she didn’t choose me. Every fraying thread connecting us slowly drifting apart.
At least I had this new team-building exercise to focus on, pulling the team together during games too. Our efforts trickled into our teamwork like a slow spread of water in the way we moved on the ice, though a few, like Allen, still balked. Viewing my time as temporary captain as an opportunity to prove myself not only to the team but to Coach andmyselfmade it easier on the days when it seemed impossible to move forward. Most of my teammates were, if not enthusiastic, at least participating. Some of them even enjoyed it, and the way we all had fun together, even if we were shit at figure skating.
* * *
Dante
Guess who’s back in town.
Idk the WNBA player you had the hots for last month. You know she’d crush you like a walnut, right?
Although I’d gladly let her crush my walnuts, no.
A certain pretty lube doctor.
Lube…doctor…
She has a PhD and she worked with lube. It works.
Just… no.
YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT
Wait, she’s here?
Heart racing,I practically skipped down the stairs of the chemistry building at Portland State University. I’d only visited once before, for the career fair, but something about the college campus got me all in my nostalgic feels. It would be so lovely in autumn, when all the trees lining the quad and streets changed color. If my plan worked, I would see it again. Explore and enjoy it.
Ash didn’t know I was in town. As much as I wanted to reach out, I hadn’t told him about the interview, unsure if he would care, given the weeks of radio silence from both of us.
Maybe the time apart was enough to let this thing between us die, if he let it. I hadn’t heard from him, so I didn’t know. Was scared to know. Maybe this was what he wanted.
My future remained in free fall.
The interview went well. At least, I thought so. With my mind running through every word I said, I was second-guessing everything. Shit.Shit.
The cold wind blowing through my coat dragged me away from those worries for a moment, but tendrils of anxiety still wove around my fingers. I tapped them to keep from squeezing until my knuckles popped.
When I reached my car and checked the temporary parking pass’s validity for the three hundred and thirteenth time, I typed a quick thank-you email to the interview committee before trying to pull myself back to the real world without losing my way in the labyrinthine streets.
A week of uncertainty passed, with every vibration of my phone sending me into a frenzy. Every day, I packed the few possessions in my apartment and obsessively checked the job posting, refreshing the page dozens of times. It hadn’t updated in the days since my interview, which was encouraging. Unless it wasn’t, since I’d had no news.
The job wasperfect, though. It was part outreach and part instruction, and I’d be one of the sponsors of a women in STEM society on campus.IfI got it.
If you’regoodenough,a voice suspiciously like Alex’s kept intoning whenever I thought about anything else.If you were good enough, they would’ve called you by now. You’re going to have to go back to Hurst with your tail between your legs. Or worse yet, you’ll have to go home to Raleigh and beg for a job there with---
The one good thing I learned while working with Brad was how to tune things out, and the little part of my mind speaking in Alex’s voice grew easier to drown out. Sure, the thoughts drowning it out were still anxious, the churning waterwheel in my head trapped in the usual worries; rent and Ash and credit cards and Ash.
I wanted the job so badly. I wanted so badly tostay. I wantedAsh. If he’d even take me back after the way I’d hurt him. The way we’d hurt each other… it wasn’t insurmountable, not if we worked together andlearnedfrom our mistakes instead of letting them hang between us.
Ugh, but if the wheel kept spinning, I’d implode.
Instead, I tried to plan for my dream job, because the job at PSU wouldbemy dream job… if I got it. Lesson plans and demonstration ideas ran through my head like a news ticker, but then I worried creating actual plans would set some weird negative energy in motion to keep me from getting the job.
Damn, I was amess.
Telling myself not getting the job wasn’t the end of the world didn’t help either. I’d tangled getting the job and reuniting with Ash so completely in my head they’d become one and the same.
