Page 43 of Puck to the Heart
An awful grinding rumbled beneath the plane as the landing gear lowered, and despite the weather, the pilot managed a decent landing. Determined to talk to Ash, I rose from my seat under the guise of stretching, but I stuffed all my things into my bag and strapped it on, intent on chasing him down before he left.
Whatever happened after I spilled my guts to him was his decision, but I needed to tell him what I’d figured out.
It only took the clarity of being afraid for my life to realize how badly I wanted to bewithhim.
Grand speeches and bravery weren’t in my skill set, but I hoped I’d be able to speak my mind without hurting him further. I had to at least tell him, but I was content to pine if he didn’t want me.
As he debarked, he took his hood down, though he left the headphones on.
Air caught in my throat, refusing to enter my lungs as I tripped toward him on unsteady legs. He didn’t seem to notice me. Dante patted my shoulder as he followed me toward the ramp, and I was grateful for the silent encouragement, even if he didn’t realize he’d given it.
And then we exited the plane into a drizzly midafternoon chill, and I nearly lost sight of Ash through the rain.
I called his name, but he’d pulled the hood up again, probably covering the damn headphones. Infuriating man.
I followed, my computer bag smacking against my hip, ponytail tumbling down to hang in my face. My breath came in pants as I neared him, the outline of his broad shoulders smudged by the rain.
Still, he didn’t hear when I called, so I followed him through the parking lot. Fog and rain mingled in the air, covering the space in a low hanging cloud. I finally caught up to him, and I was about to call his name again when my foot skidded, plowing me forward, right into his back.
Excellent way to start the conversation.
When he spun around, the scowl on his face sent me scrabbling backward, but his expression softened for a moment before slipping into an unreadable mask worse than the scowl.
“Ash,” I said again, unsure where to begin. “I need to tell you—” but I faltered, unable to meet his eyes.
“What is it?” He sounded exhausted.
“I wanted, umm.”Deep breath, you can do this.“We don’t have to get into the whole story now, but I’m sorry.” Wow, how eloquent.
One eyebrow flicked up in question. “For what, exactly?”
“For the other night.” I took a step closer. “For taking off.”
He cocked his head to the side and studied me, waiting for me to continue.
But I never thought beyond this moment, didn’t know what else to say until more words tumbled out.
“No one has ever done for me what you have.” The dark inverted parenthesis of his lashes tipped up as he rolled his eyes.
A high little squeaking laugh left my lips at the admission, but Ash’s eyes stayed trained on the drowning sky. “You flew me across the country to see my dad when you barely knew me, and you’ve walked me through panic attacks anyone else would run from. But you stayed. You… stayed.” The last sentence was a whisper of a breath. “NowIwant to be there foryou. I’m sorry I left. I panicked. Again.” Tears stung my eyes when he didn’t respond, didn’t even move.
Silence dripped between the raindrops. “You walked away.” When he spoke, the words pinned me in place, pausing the jittery way my fingers twisted in the dangling ends of my backpack straps.
“I did. But not because of—of whatever it is you’re thinking.”
“Please enlighten me, Barnes, because from where I’m standing, after the conversation we had, it seemed like you ran away because you thought I’d be the same as whoever it was who hurt you.”
The pin holding me in place turned to a sword. The whispered words fell out, nearly lost in the pinging rain playing around us. “Oh, God, Ash. No. I panicked. He got in my head, and I heard his stupid fucking voice telling me everything about me was too much, and I just wanted to get away. I saw the look on his face when I made things too hard. It put me back in an awful place.” My lungs refused to expand around the skewering feeling between them, and my breaths grew stuttered. Digging my nails into my palms so tightly I worried they’d bleed helped pull the spreading panic out of my chest. “I didn’t want to be disappointing or disappointed or…I don’t even know?” It all tumbled out, my words tangling as I tried to explain. “You’re nothing like my ex, the one who got me all in my head, but somehow it was like he was there, too. I can’t really explain it, but I didn’t want to seehisdisappointment onyourface.” Finally, I inhaled deeply through the pain. “But I don’t think that would be possible, because you aresomuch better than him in so many ways. I can’t imagine you getting mad because you refuse to put in the work when the girl you’re seeing has a hard time having an orgasm.” Spitting out the words after holding them in for so long was a relief. No one else knew that part of our relationship; I’d had no one left to tell after pushing them all away.
“I’m sorry this is such a mess, but I wanted to tell you I’m sorry for walking away. When I was hiding in my hotel room, I realized how big of a mistake I’d made, and then I realized I missed you. I told you before that I’m not good at friendships, and I think the same goes for relationships, but I’m willing to try it if you are?” The last bit pitched higher on an unintentional question.
Because Istillcouldn’t stop my mouth from running, and all the nerves and feelings just kept drawing it out of me, I kept going. “Maybe I freaked a little because of all of that. But I’m serious about us beingusif you want to give us a shot, too.” When I finished, I wanted to collapse, to sag to the soggy ground and drown in a puddle, because hestillstood there, silent. All the words finally wrung themselves out of me.
At his sides, his hands fisted and unclenched before sliding slowly into his pockets.
“All of this is a lot, so you can think about it and let me know. Or not, I guess.” It was a painful croak, caught in my throat. I told him the truth; it was all I could do. I’d lain it all out in front of him. Honesty, cracking myself open for him was novel and painful, but he deserved it.
Drops from the heavy mist trickled down my face and dripped from the ends of my hair, soaking my clothes. Cold probably froze my fingers, too, but the shock of laying everything out for him kept me numb for the moment.
