Page 99 of Longing for Liberty
He wanted to leave Jeremy and the guard in Canada, but he didn’t want me being alone at any point. I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t trust me not to “escape,” or if he thought I’d somehow get lost. Either way didn’t matter to me because he ultimately decided that I would fly with Jeremy and the guard. Once we got to Italy, Amos and I would meet up somewhere and go to a house in Tuscany while Jeremy and the guard stayed at a hotel in the city.
Every part of me felt abuzz.
I had failed two nights ago in the worst possible way. Every time I thought of it, I was filled with a deep regret that dug down into me like a rotted cavity. Because it wasn’t just a fail; it was a turn of the tables, as if Roan had known I was scheming something and made the first move. I wouldn’t let myself think about what had happened to me. It was too much. I locked it away, knowing when I finally let myself deal with that trauma, it would be…a lot. For now, my focus was Italy. To be in the same place as my children?—
Oh, God.
My chest fluttered.
My babies. My mom.
I felt guilt now for a whole different set of reasons. Tricking Amos into taking me to Italy felt selfish, like I was turning my back on the resistance. But I couldn’t get the idea out of my head that having Amos away from the State, in another country without his State Force behind him…this could open a new set of possibilities.
Last night, after all of the plans were made, and I forced myself to eat a few bites of the dinner Amos had delivered, I asked him if it would be safe to travel to Europe. When he’d looked at me quizically, I added, “Because of the war and things still going on.” I had zero idea how much of the news was true.
“Oh, yes,” he said, shaking his head. “We’re not going near any of those skirmishes.” Something about the way he hadn’t known what I meant and the way he answered set off my lie-detector. Was the rest of the world, possibly, not fighting like we were constantly told?
I needed to clear my mind and talk to Kathy. I’d spent all day anticipating our conversation and hoping she could warn Jeremy. “I think I’ll take my walk now.”
He’d looked taken aback. “Are you sure? You’re not…hurting?”
I was hurting in so many ways, but I managed a small smile.
“I am a little, but I want to get back to normal and be healthy for our trip.” I went up on my toes and kissed him, forcing myself not to pull away as quickly as I wanted. “Thank you for this.”
He held my waist and pressed his lips to mine again. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
You don’t have me. You’ll never have me.
I smiled. His eyes drifted down to my throat, and he motioned to it with his hand. “You may want to…cover…”
“Oh.” I touched the spot where he was looking, and went to get one of my light, sheer scarves. I’d barely glanced at a mirror since the party, but my lower throat was ugly. My mind may not have been able to remember that night, but my body did. Amos gave my outfit a nod when I came out, but I saw the guilt still present in his eyes.
Good.
At the maid’s office, I was surprised to see Kathy there on a Sunday, but also so relieved.
“Don’t you get a day off?” I asked from the doorway.
She froze when she saw me, and I wanted to cry because she looked disappointed and then relieved, her shoulders falling. Then her eyes went to my throat and stayed there a beat too long before looking away. I reached up and adjusted the scarf. I wished she hadn’t seen it.
“There are weekend maids too, you know,” she said, placing a folded towel on a rack. “But it’s time for me to leave today.”
My heart skipped. I could tell Kathy everything, and maybe she could get a message to Jeremy so he could mentally prepare.
We took our walk, and I gave her the sobering news of the party.
“You don’t recall anything after the drink?”
“No.”
She was quiet for a long moment. I kind of hoped she wouldn’t say anything too kind because I might start crying all over again.
“I’m fine,” I said, quickly moving on. “And there’s more.”
I told her about the details for Italy the next day.
Kathy didn’t do or say anything, but I felt a surge come off her as she walked slowly and raised her head, her eyes unfocused.
