Page 78 of Longing for Liberty
I looked over at the table where Amos usually sat, but none of his things were here. In fact he always took his laptop when he left for work outside of the penthouse. That meant it would have to happen while he was home. How was I ever going to be able to do this? My stomach turned and turned like I was on a wild teacup ride spinning fast enough to make me sick. This was going to be impossible.
If I tried to do it, he was going to catch me. I’d end up in stocks. They would torture me. I fanned myself with my blouse as I began to sweat. How much pain would I be able to withstand? What if I gave away the four people I knew were in the resistance? And then they gave away others? Community Five was at stake. What were they thinking trusting me with this responsibility? I couldn’t do it! I was going to ruin everything!
I huffed out a shaking breath. Then another. Then I sucked in a lungful until it hurt and held it, letting it out in a long hiss.
Calm. Down.
The burn in my eyes matched the burn of shame through my soul as I yanked open the hall closet and pulled out my broom. The phoenix inside of me was covered over in ash, shifting irritably at my self-doubt and weakness. I began to furiously sweep.
This was how we got here, I reminded myself. Fear. Good people sat by and waited because we were scared, and instead, we hoped for the best. Or maybe we weren’t scared enough until we were directly affected, which was even more shameful. And then, when it was too late, we trusted that other, worthier, stronger people would rise up and be brave. Look how much we’d all lost because of our fear. Our vibrant, technicolor country was now washed-out and tattered. We lived like ghosts.
Does anyone ever feel qualified enough to go against the system? When America fell, I’d been so focused on the kids. I’d been pregnant or nursing at any given moment and so exhausted, even with Jeremy there. He’d been carrying the weight of the news, news I knew was happening but dreaded to hear. He hadn’t wanted to stress me. I felt guilty looking back and knowing he was carrying a weight, and I knew I should ask him to share it with me, but I’d been afraid of whatever it was in his eyes.
I stopped and leaned my weight on the broom as I closed my eyes and lifted my face to the ceiling to keep from crying. We all had our excuses. And right now I was making excuses again. I knew myself enough to know the fear would not leave me. If I was going to do this scary thing, I would have to do it despite the fear. And if I got caught…so be it. All I could do was be as strong as I could be. Because life might be bad for us, but I did not doubt that once things were up and running for Community Five in one year, things for them would become a nightmare. I’d rather be tortured and killed than live knowing I could have done something to help them. So this was happening.
And there it was: the cool relief of decision, the loosening of tension in my neck and shoulders. And while the fear and dread were like a boulder of weight in my belly, I would carry that weight as long as necessary and not let it hold me back.
I began to sweep again.
First, I would take some time to observe his laptop habits, something I’d never given my full attention to. How long, if ever, did he leave it unattended? What about at night while he slept? He was a heavy sleeper. I couldn’t be hasty. I needed to test the waters, starting with getting out of bed to go to the bathroom during the night. As far as leaving his laptop out during the day while he worked from home, I would consider something a habit if it happened three or more times. Did he close it when he walked away? Or leave it open? I was pretty sure he always closed it, because I would have been nosy and tried to look if it had ever been open. And was there a password? Shit, I hoped not. But of course it would be secure. I’d just have to find a way around it.
First, observe. Second, make a plan.
My phoenix puffed its chest in preparation for a treacherous thrill.
THIRTY-SIX
STATE NEWS: EXPERTS SAY THE STATE COMMUNITIES HAVE STRENGTHENED FAMILIES IN WAYS NEVER SEEN BEFORE!
A week passedof living with Amos Fitzhugh. I missed Jeremy so much that a physical pain punctuated my gut when I let myself think of him. It was the same feeling I had for years after losing the children. A sharp pang at first that dulled into a heavy pressure until I was able to force myself to calm down.
Every morning I went down slightly after the usual pickup time to get my basket from Kathy. We both feigned boredom and disinterest. She didn’t follow me out again and didn’t give me anything else, but I was dying to talk to someone. Did she know anything about Rebecca or Jeremy? Were they okay? They had to be. They were fine. I would keep telling myself that.
During the day, I cleaned like normal. My body was at the beck and call of Mr. Secretary both day and night. Where I once thrilled at his attention and touch, I now resented it, finding myself exhausted from pretending and not having the option to say no.
After dinner, Amos allowed me to leave for a walk around the block. I cherished those walks, my faux freedom outside of the sterile penthouse prison.
In between all of that, I watched and learned.
He took his laptop with him every time he left. He closed it every time he stopped working, but he left it on the table while he went to shower and at night to charge. And the worst thing I discovered, the thing that kept me up at night racking my brain, was that he used both his fingerprint and a password to access the laptop. I nearly spiraled with hopelessness when I saw him do that, but I reminded myself I had a creative mind and not to give up.
As he worked at the table, reading documents and sending emails, I mopped behind him. When he’d lean back to read, I began counting in my head. I wanted to see how long it would take for his screen to time out and require his fingerprint and passcode again. It took a while for him to have a pause long enough, but he began getting texts on his phone at one point, pulling his attention from his screen. I counted to one hundred and twenty-four before the screen darkened in warning and then went to the eagle screensaver. I’d probably been counting too quickly, and the timeout was two minutes.
I began to formulate a plan. It would be tricky. It required distracting him enough to forget he’d accessed his laptop, enough to forget to close it. I only had one tool at my disposal—one thing that just happened to be his biggest weakness. I thought about the Dutch sisters. It was time to lure Amos Fitzhugh into the woods.
* * *
The dayfinally came when I felt ready. He was working from home, and I chose one of my flowing dresses. One of the items included in my new wardrobe was a black lace bra and underwear set. I assumed he knew about them, and I expected him to request that I wear them, but he never did.
Hours before, in preparation, I had set my purse on the table. Now, I sauntered up to him while he read something on his laptop, a small wrinkle of concentration in his brow. I usually let Amos be the initiator since he seemed to enjoy dominating, so I hoped my forwardness wouldn’t raise suspicion. I lifted my skirt and stepped over his lap, sitting to face him. Amos pulled back his head to look me in the eye. I gave him a shy smile and took off his reading glasses, turning to set them down and “accidentally” touching the mouse pad to keep the screen on.
“I’m sorry to interrupt your work,” I said, slowly circling my hips against his crotch.
“Liberty.” His voice was deep. “This is a surprise.”
I bit my bottom lip. “I’ve been wanting to ask you something, but I’m worried what you’ll think of me…”
His hands went around my waist and gripped. “Ask me.”
