Page 64 of Longing for Liberty
I held the container of juice tightly. I felt suddenly more ashamed than I did when the doctor was judging me.“A, um…doctor came.”
Jeremy’s forehead crinkled, and he opened the bottle, peering in at the white pills. I looked down at them too. I hadn’t fully been able to process earlier what had happened and what the doctor told me, but it was clear what these pills were.
“Herbal supplements,” I explained as we looked up from the antibiotics at one another. I saw the same shock and disgust on his face that I was feeling. Jeremy looked from the bottle to the jar in my arms, and he let out a dry, sardonic chuff through his nose.
“God is good,” he said.
“All the time,” I whispered back.
And I did believe God was good. But people…we weren’t.
“I’m going to shower.” Jeremy turned from me to the bathroom, where he shut himself in, and I opened the jar with shaking hands. The juice had no sugar added, so my whole face puckered after the first drink, the tartness activating my salivary glands almost painfully. It was sour and bitter, perfectly suiting the feel of my home at that moment.
And while I knew Jeremy wasn’t mad at me, just at the system, it hurt to see. I didn’t like being part of that system or benefiting from it while others died. This was so unfair. It waswrong. I looked down at the bottle of “rare” antibiotics, and a surge of pure hatred tore through me when I thought of the families dying nearby. I didn’t want to take the rest of the meds. The whore of the Secretary of Arms was good enough to be saved, but not the innocent children of our community? Got it.
What if I could give these pills to Rebecca, and she could get them to someone with a sick child? My addled mind began to tumble with possibilities. But then what if the doctor came back? Fitzhugh would probably be expecting me back to work, back to his bed, within a day or two. My stomach turned, and my heart clenched as a feeling of helplessness washed over me. A sob clogged my throat just as I heard the whir of a drone outside. I quickly lay down and rolled over on the still-damp bed with my back to the window. I tried desperately to control the tears as they came, wetting my pillow further. My body shook despite my best efforts.
Soon after the drone passed, I heard Jeremy come out of the bathroom, and I didn’t move. His footsteps stopped, and I knew he was standing close, looking down at me.
Please touch me.
Even just a hand on my shoulder. Something to show that he didn’t hate me. That he didn’t see me as one of them. But all I heard was a shuffle as he turned, and solid steps as he left the room. Left me. And I let myself cry.
THIRTY
STATE NEWS: NEW LAW GIVES FINE AND STOCKADE TIME TO CITIZENS WHO FEED ANIMALS!
I tooktwo days off and returned on the third, feeling like a shell of myself. Fitzhugh greeted me at the door, took one look at me, and said in a mildly scolding voice, “Liberty. You shouldn’t be working yet.” He reached out and put a hand on my forehead, saying with shock, “You’re still warm.”
“I’m okay,” I tried to reassure him, but he was right. It was a low-grade fever now, but it was still there, making me feel weak and fuzzy-minded. “I might not be able to do everything today, but I can at least?—”
“Go climb in my bed.”
My eyes flashed up to his. He touched my cheek, which I was sure was rosy. “Not forthat,” he assured me. Then he nodded toward the hallway. “Go on. Take off your uniform and get comfortable.”
I hesitated a moment and then did as I was told. In his room, I undressed and folded my uniform neatly before placing my pile of clothes on top of his dresser. I kept my underwear and bra on as I climbed into the huge bed. It felt strange to lift the sheet and duvet and climb beneath. His bed was like a well-structured cloud compared to ours. Two seconds later, Amos walked in with the covered breakfast plate.
“Oh, no,” I said, reaching for it. “I could have gotten that.”
“I’m capable.” He set it on the bedside table instead of handing it to me. “Are you taking your…whatever the doctor ordered?”
I eyed him. “Herbal supplements. Yes.”
“Yes,” he said, shoving his hands into his trouser pockets. “Good.”
The anger for the societal injustice was there, simmering under the surface, but I was too tired to let it rise, and that was a good thing.
“This feels weird,” I admitted. “I really can work. I just need to take breaks.”
“One more day of rest,” he ordered me. “Eat your breakfast, stay hydrated, and sleep when you can. I’ll be working.”
I chewed my bottom lip and nodded. Amos kissed my forehead and left, closing the door behind him. I couldn’t reconcile how a powerful man like him could be so kind and giving to one person but not to others. He had to know everything that was happening in the community. I wasn’t naïve enough to think he didn’t, although I forced myself not to look too closely at his role in everything. My sanity was threadbare as it was, constantly cycling through daily raw emotions of guilt, rage, and disgust.
With a deep sigh, I reached for the plate of food and pulled it to my lap, lifting the lid. I had a flash of being in a fancy hotel, eating room service before the fall of America. Jeremy and I hadn’t had the money for a big honeymoon. We’d decided on a quick two-night trip to New York City to seeHamiltonon Broadway, and then another two nights at Niagara Falls. But the hotel in Manhattan had felt so bougie with its thick bathroom robes and room service. We stayed in that room for over twenty-four hours, just enjoying every little thing about one another. I’d never felt so secure and whole with another person.
Forcing those memories away, I slowly ate my breakfast and drank all of my water. As strange as it was to be in Amos’s bed, my body didn’t care where I was, so I succumbed to my heated blood, lying down and closing my eyes.
When I woke, I felt the heaviness of having slept for hours. Once again, I was sweating. I heard the cadence of voices coming from the sitting room, sounding like Amos was on a video call. I slowly climbed out of bed, lifting my wet hair off my neck as I walked to the door. It opened silently. All I could see was the hallway and the opening to the living room, but I could make out the voices. I honed my ears to listen harder.
