Page 49 of Longing for Liberty
My heart soared knowing we had people inside the State Force, but what he was doing was so scary. How many people were like him and Rebecca, pretending to be something they weren’t just to stay alive, and putting their lives on the line to try and fix the system that had failed them? I didn’t think it was possible to feel more anger and fear.
“I’m only telling you this,” Rebecca said, “so you understand how important it is…what you’re doing. It could be the nudge that finally puts all of the wheels into motion.” She grinned at me as my insides twisted and my throat went dry. “But no pressure.”
“No pressure at all.” I let out a raspy laugh, as scared as I was.
A drone sounded, doing its rounds, and Rebecca and I separated, me walking ahead of her to avoid seeming too close and personal. I felt grateful for Rebecca’s belief in me. Her willingness to give me a push—because I needed it.
TWENTY-ONE
STATE NEWS: INTERNATIONAL PEACE DISCUSSIONS FAIL AS FORMER ALLIES REFUSE TO ADMIT WRONGDOING!
I felt morescared than usual as I walked with Rebecca the next evening along the back of the garden. Two other couples were also walking, and a State forceman patrolled the sidewalks on the other side.
“How are you doing?” Rebecca asked me. “Mentally and emotionally? Be honest.”
I thought about how the day began with me leaning against the kitchen counter to receive the plug, which I was told I’d be wearing every day as I worked with no panties. He’d eased it in like a man who had all the time in the world. And then, later, as he came out of the shower and motioned me to bend over the bed, where he’d pulled up my skirt and entered me slowly from behind, one finger pushing on the plug with the same unhurried rhythm he used to fuck me. And how I’d come so hard my knees buckled, and I saw white spots.
“I’m fine,” I said quietly. I felt her watching me and wondered if she could see it all written plainly on my face. I needed to change the subject. “I saw his gun,” I whispered. “When he went to shower…he left it on his bedside table.”
For a moment, Rebecca gawked at me and then looked away and blinked. “He left it out?”
“I know,” I said. “It’s crazy, right? How much he trusts me? Or maybe he’s trying to test me? I don’t know.”
“Please tell me you didn’t touch it.”
“No!” I whispered. “But I could read it when I was making his bed. At the top it says ‘Glock 21’ and then ‘Austria’ and ’45 Auto’.”
Rebecca nodded. “A Glock 21 SF. He carries a 45.”
“Okay.” I had no idea what any of that meant. “So, can you tell me where the safety is? Just in case, you know, there’s ever an emergency or something.” My insides shook just thinking about it.
“There’s not a safety on those. At least not like you’re thinking.” Rebecca grimaced at her feet. “Jeremy is not going to like this.”
“I won’t do anything stupid,” I promised.
“I know.” She sighed and looked at me. “Okay, listen up.”
I paid close attention as she detailed verbally everything from the bullet cartridge in the handle, to sliding the top back to put a round in the chamber, and how the trigger will stick out further to show it’s cocked.
“But you’re kind of small, so you have to brace yourself when you pull the trigger. It’ll kick and disorient you if you’re not prepared.”
“Thank you, Rebecca.” I already felt a sense of relief and safety knowing I could possibly protect myself if I got my hands on it.
“Yeah,” she said.
We lifted our heads as one of the couples across the way let out a peal of laughter—a sound we didn’t often hear. It tickled something inside of me, making me yearn for freedom.
“Oh, look.” Rebecca pointed to where Stanley and Jeremy were walking our way. “What does he have?”
It looked like Jeremy was carrying the thin blanket we always sat on outside. And Stanley had a paper bag that he held carefully. His smile was too endearing, showing his giddiness about something.
“Don’t be mad,” he said to Rebecca as he got closer, and Jeremy snapped the blanket out for us.
She cocked her head. “You played the lottery again?”
“Iwonagain,” he said with a grin, pulling another gorgeous dessert out—this one a slice of cheesecake with what appeared to be blueberry sauce.
“Oh, wow,” Rebecca breathed. “Okay, fine. I’m not mad.”
