Page 96 of Longing for Liberty
I puked again, bringing up a tinge of dark pink, which I assumed was whatever juice he’d given me, but it looked like blood, which made me gag again. When my stomach finally calmed, I lay my forehead against my forearm on the toilet seat. I kept this porcelain glistening, but it still grossed me out to be touching it like this.
God, I felt so sick. Like I’d been hit by a train while having the stomach flu.
“Here, let me help you.” Amos crouched and took the shirt off me, then scooped me into his arms like an overgrown, sleepy child. He carried me to the bath and set me down gently in the warm water. I hadn’t had a bath in ages. We only had a shower stall at our apartment. The moment my bottom hit the water, I felt a sharp sting and I grimaced. I looked down and saw a swirl of pink in the water.
This really was blood.
Horror filled me, and I looked at Amos. He’d also been looking at the blood in the water, and when his face turned back to me, I was slapped with a pang of surprise. His eyes were filled with tears. He reached out to cradle my head in his large palm.
“God…Liberty…I’m so sorry.” His voice cracked, making tears spring to my eyes too, because that’s when it all really hit me.
Bad, bad things had happened to me last night. And Amos hadn’t stopped it from happening. I covered my face with both hands and slipped down into the water, a choked cry rising from my chest.
I’d failed my mission.
Not only were they all three still alive, but I knew without a doubt that Roan and others had assaulted me. And Walinger would have made it back to his apartment to poor Autry, who I’d assured would have a “quiet night.”
And though I knew there might be other opportunities, my soul was battered with a disgusting, all-consuming feeling of violation. Roan wanted to put both me and Amos in our “places,” and he’d done it. He thought he’d beaten me, and at the moment that was exactly how it felt to me too.
But I couldn’t let him win. I couldn’t.
As I lay there in the water, I desperately gathered all those feelings of defilement and loss that threatened to overwhelm my mind, and I tried to override them with the anger that had fueled me before.
Amos was undoubtedly broken right now, but I already felt myself building the wall inside of myself to cordon off this trauma and allow me to keep going. For a moment, I saw Roan’s victorious face as he had me on his knees, and my wall crumbled a little.
I felt the sob in my chest, then in my throat, and let it out through my lips. It was a pathetic wail, more like a mewl, and I sucked it back in, but my chest pushed more sobs out.
“I’m so sorry.” Amos kept smoothing back my hair. “This never should have happened. I swear I’ll never let it happen again. I don’t care if—” He cut off that thought and turned his head to the side, his face scrunching, fighting those internal demons again.
I had to start over, I realized. I had to keep playing this stupid part, no matter how exhausted and angry I was. And how my body hurt. And how much I missed Jeremy.
Oh, my sweet Jeremy. He would kill them all with his bare hands if he knew. He would go out fighting. And somehow, knowing that filled me with a sense of peace that I needed right then.
“Liberty.” Amos picked up my wet hand and cradled it in both of his palms, bringing my fingers to his lips. He closed his eyes and kissed my hand. “I’ll do anything to make this up to you. What do you want? Name it.”
“Oh, Amos.” My voice was cracked, and I felt my throat with my free hand. The skin felt raw, like I’d been violently choked.
“Diamonds? Any kind of jewel.” He waved a hand. “That entire makeup line, or whatever it’s called. I will give you the world, Liberty. Anything for your forgiveness. A trip?”
“A trip?”
My whole body tingled. He looked at me, honing in on my interest.
“Yes, Liberty, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. You name it and I’ll make it happen.”
My heart was suddenly an Olympic sprinter. “A-anywhere?”
“Yes.” He kissed my fingers again.
“But…how?”
“You must know by now. If I want something, I can make it happen. I have connections.”
“Even outside of the State?”
He nodded and brushed a thumb over my cheek. “You’re so beautiful. You deserve the world. Name the place.”
Oh my God.
