Page 74 of Longing for Liberty
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I got home before Jeremy,quickly showered and slipped on my casual dress, then paced the kitchen as our grits simmered. When he walked in, my stomach flipped. He came down the hall, and my face broke into an uncontrolled smile at the sight of his short scruff and kind brown eyes. A feeling of goodness and safety flooded me with euphoria.
But Jeremy didn’t smile back at me.
He quickly glanced away, as if a stranger stood in his kitchen. The euphoric sensation slithered away into something icky.
“Hi,” I said softly.
“Lib.” He gave a single nod, still not looking at me, instead glancing down into the pot and giving another nod. Then he walked into the bedroom and shut the door. I moved into the nook of the stove area where I was hidden from the window and tried to get a grip on my emotions. Never in our twelve years together had he made me feel this way. Even when we’d had disagreements and raised our voices in frustration.
I put myself into his shoes and thought about what he was feeling. He’d received a text from me last night saying I wouldn’t be home, but that I was safe. Then he’d lain in bed alone last night, imagining me with another man. Not just any man, but a man in power whom he could not confront. He probably wondered if I was enjoying it. If I even thought of him. And then I had the nerve to smile at him like everything was fine.
Was I losing Jeremy? If he put up this wall to protect himself, could it ever be fully torn down again? Or would there always be a divide? I pressed the back of my hand to my mouth to muffle a cry.
Calm down.
Swallow the tears.
Pull yourself together.
Jeremy came back out in his casual pants and tunic shirt, causing me to drop my hand and clear my throat. He sat at the table on his phone while I pan-fried pieces of pork and scooped applesauce into small bowls.
I set a plate in front of Jeremy that would have been considered a child-sized portion six years ago. Mine was smaller, but he had to have noticed how my body had filled out since I started working for the Secretary. Even my hair was fuller. My nails stronger.
When we finished, I took our plates and cleaned them before facing him. He was zoned out at the window.
“Care to walk with me?” I asked.
After a moment, he said, “Fine.”
I slipped on my neighborhood shoes and we went out. When he made no move to take my hand, I crossed my arms tightly, as if I could soothe my aching heart. We said our polite hellos to neighbors and brandished contented smiles for the drones that buzzed by.
At the back of the garden, where teensy cabbages sprouted, I quickly told him how I’d ended up at Roan’s penthouse. How they’d had alcohol and cocaine. How Wright had shown up and beaten them. I told him everything except the sexual stuff that had happened at the party, because I didn’t want his imagination getting stuck in that direction.
Jeremy scoffed. “Am I supposed to feel bad for them?”
I stared at the side of his face. “You’re not supposed to feel any certain way. I’m just telling you what I learned in case it’s useful.”
“So you’re his girlfriend now or something?”
I touched his forearm, making him jerk back.
“Stop that,” I hissed. “I know you’re hurting, but I don’t want this any more than you do.”
Jeremy turned toward the trees behind us and ran a hand over his hair. His jaw clenched, and I knew he was battling demons. It killed me to see it. My eyes burned, and I quickly blinked, crouching to pretend to look at the garden.
“Get down here,” I said. “I have more.”
He took another moment before crouching and glaring at the sprouts.
I told him about this morning, about the man who’d been found and Amos’s reactions.
Jeremy’s nose flared, and he shook his head. “How can you stand to be near him?”
My internal hackles rose. “I imagine them going after you to punish me. That usually keeps me in line.”
His head swung to me, and we met eyes for the first time tonight. He searched my stare as if trying to gauge my genuineness. When my eyes began to water, we both looked away again, and I blinked furiously.
