Page 82 of Kiss Collector
“I...” She clenches her jaw as if gathering strength. “That year I had an affair. I almost left Daddy.” Now she is choking up, and my guts are in a grinder. I stare at her, and she suddenly morphs into a stranger, someone I thought I knew but really didn’t.
“I didn’t tell him. I’m not sure what kept us together—amiracle, probably. But I broke things off with the other man, a marine, and he was restationed. Everything made itself very clear to me during that time. I knew I didn’t want to lose your dad. I knew the problem was me and not him. I knew I made a horrible mistake and I was lucky to have a second chance. I worked hard to be a good wife after that, to be worthy of his love. Well...” She wipes her eyes. “Fast forward to last year. Seventeen years later, that man found me again. He contacted me. I told him I was in a happy place and wanted nothing to do with him. But he started stalking me. I was scared.” She wipes her face again. “It got so bad that I had to get a restraining order, and I had to tell Daddy.”
Oh, my gosh. I am so floored. This cannot be my mother telling this story. All I can do is stare at her, my emotions coiling like writhing snakes. I knew something was off last year, but I had no idea... I was so focused on my friends and cheer and Wylie.
“The man ended up confronting Daddy in the parking lot of his job, and they got into a fight. They both spent the night in jail. That’s when Daddy got fired.”
My heart is buzzing with quick speed as I remember back to last year. My parents were both on edge. Daddy without a job. Mom looked like she’d aged ten years overnight.
“We tried to make it work. We tried to get past it. He got a new job. We tried... but it’s like there was this unfixable crack in our marriage after that. He met...her, at work, and she was there for him. She was what he needed. I couldn’t even be mad.”
Tears are streaming down her face now. For the first timein ages, I don’t cry. It’s like it’s too much. I can’t process it. Images from my family’s story in my mind are changing and morphing, pages are flipping and rewriting themselves.
My mom cheated first.
“Zae.” She places her hand over mine, and I let her, though I feel like a cold, undead thing. “Please don’t be mad at him. He tried. He really did. We both did. And we love you and Zebby so much. You are the light of our lives. He misses you.” She sucks in a huge, ragged breath. “I don’t blame you for being mad at us. We both made mistakes, choices that we regret and wish we could change. I’m sorry.”
I say nothing. It’s still too big. Mom pulls her hand back and stands. I stare at the spot where she sat until she leaves me.
For five minutes my brain throbs, overloaded, and I can’t think. Then thoughts come rushing at me, bombarding my senses, and I fight to catch my breath.
My parents are a mess, just like me. Just like Zeb. Just like Lin who kept watch for Monica, and Monica who couldn’t help but like the guy I liked. We’re all... human. We’re messy. We’ve all made mistakes. Sometimes we’re lucky and it ends up being a “learn from it” mistake, and sometimes it’s a mistake that reaches out with its claws and snags other people you love, dragging them into it, shredding the bonds of a relationship, and turning your life completely upside down.
I stand, as stiff as a lifeless zombie, and gather a change of clothes. Then I head to the bathroom to shower.
When I’m ready, I sit silently on the couch with Zeb until Dad comes to the door. Mom opens it, and they share a long glance in which she gives him a telling nod. His wholedemeanor seems to soften with relief. I don’t say hi to him or bye to Mom. I walk past them into the late April evening and let myself into the back seat of Dad’s car. Zeb happily takes shotgun.
I stare from the window as we drive across town to a cute condominium neighborhood. Inside has a noticeable feminine touch. Cream couches with pastel-flower throw pillows. And best of all... Dad goes to a huge dog crate in the corner and lets out a yellow Lab who dances around excitedly, wagging a heavy tail and nearly knocking us over as she greets us. Zeb and I both laugh and get down to pet her.
“You have a dog!” Zeb cries, letting her lick all over his face. We’ve always wanted one, but Mom is allergic.
“Yep. This is Sadie.”
Dad clicks a leash onto her collar and we walk outside together. He gives Zeb the leash and Sadie takes off down the sidewalk. He runs after her, lanky limbs flying. Dad chuckles and crosses his arms. As he stares at Zeb I stare at him, this man who everyone says I look like. Those round, chocolaty eyes—my own eyes—those dark curls that we both work so hard to maintain. And my heart squeezes at the thought of all he’s been through—all that I put him through with my attitude and my anger.
I slip an arm around his waist and snuggle into his side. He hesitates, as if surprised, and then his arm goes around me tightly, protectively, lovingly. I don’t want to let go, and neither does he, so we don’t.
We hold on.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ifeel different at school on Monday. Changed. For the first time in a long time I sense the warmth of the sun shining through the proverbial cloud that has plagued me.
Lunch is kind of weird because Dean comes over to sit with us. I don’t look at him much because I’m still embarrassed about everything. And having a boy at the table means we can’t talk about certain things, but I refuse to let myself feel grumbly about it.
I look up at the clock a few minutes before the bell and decide it’s time to drop a bomb on my friends. Something I’ve been dreading.
“I’m not trying out for cheer next year.”
Both of them stare at me, aghast. Even Dean looks shocked.
“Is it the tumbling?” Monica asks. “Because mine is rough,too. We can work on it together.”
“It’s really no use,” I say. “I’ve been practicing hard and I can’t get it.” Saying all this out loud, seeing their faces, it dredges up every horrible feeling of failure I’ve managed to tamp down. The thought of not cheering, it’s like I’m abandoning my people. For the first time ever, I won’t be a part of the hustle, the craziness, the uniforms and games and... my friends. But they’ll go on without me, just like when they’ll be off at college next year without me. A sensation of alarm and loss splits me from the inside, but there is nothing I can do to change the situation. It’s hopeless.
“Youhaveto be on the team,” Kenzie says. “You have perfect jumps, and you’re an amazing base. I can’t stunt without you!”
“Yes, you can,” I say, but I hate the thought of not being the one to catch her.
