Page 50 of Blood in the Water
“I want toprotectyou. I want to keep you alive,” he growled down at me, not budging even an inch.
“Then you have to let me do this because I can’t keep living without trying to avenge my father!” My voice started wavering, but I clenched my fists and bit my lip until I could control theemotions threatening to explode. “I can’t move on until Max is dead. There is no future for me while he is alive.”
Every single night when I laid awake in bed and considered how my life had gone down the shithole, theonlyanswer that came to me for how to fix it was tofucking ruin him. For everything he had done to me, to my father’s empire. I would never be able to rest, to enjoy myself, knowing that he was out there reaping the benefits ofmy father’swork. And he deserved to pay for that.
“You’re going to get yourself killed, and I won’t be able to stop you. How am I supposed to keep you safe if you continue to do dumb shit?”
I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t owe you an explanation for every thought and plan that goes through my brain. I don’t need your fuckingapproval.”
He scowled. “I know very much that you don’t owe me anything. But I thought that at least you’d listen to me. I’m your bodyguard. I’m yourbest friend. I’m in—” He choked back the words and stared down at me.
I stared right back, angry, but with no response. There was a part of me that knew he was right. He was only trying to help me. To protect me as he’d always done. He was my best friend, my protector, and he was afraid. But in that moment, the disapproval flowed off him in waves and stoked the flames of defensiveness in my head. It fed the lion that only wanted to lash out in anger when threatened.
“If you don’t like how I do things, no one is making you stay.”
As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted them.
I regretted how his face fell, his eyebrows furrowed, and his mouth hung open. I hated seeing the hurt pass over his eyes. My heart fell through my feet the longer the silence stretched between us. Then his gaze hardened, and his features smoothed out into indifference.
“You’re right,” he said softly, keeping his face a passive mask. “I need to remember that, don’t I?”
He took a step backward. I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out, raising my hand to grab and keep him from walking away. But he dodged, walking back to the kitchen with hands in his pockets and his head dropping between his shoulders.
A suffocating grip squeezed the air right out of my lungs. If Cas left me, I would truly die. Why the fuck did I say something so hurtful? What would I do if he decided to leave?
“Wait, Cas,” I said as I hurried behind him. He packed the rest of his supplies into his backpack. Where was he going? Was he still going to get money, or was he leaving for good? “Are you going to New York?”
“Yep,” he said without even looking at me.
Fuck. I said exactly what I thought would hurt him the most, and now I felt like crumbling at the thought of him never returning. Guilt settled heavy into my chest. “I’m so sorry, Cas. I shouldn’t have said that. You’re right. I’ll stay here where it’s safe.”
“Okay. Thank you.” He didn’t even look at me. He just threw his backpack over one of his shoulders and opened his phone.
“Cas?” My voice cracked. I stepped closer.Please don’t leave me.
He looked up, his face still completely void of emotion. “Colin will be here in a minute. Stay here. Keep the lights off, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. I’ll be back late.”
I pressed my lips together, unsure what to say or do to make this better. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged. “You have nothing to apologize for. You did nothing wrong. I’m just being overprotective.”
My head spun, trying to figure out what to do or say. Why the fuck was this worse than yelling at each other?
He slipped his phone in his pocket and headed to the living room before he peeked through the closed blinds on the windows right next to the front door. I could barely make out a car with the lights off as it pulled into the driveway.
I opened my mouth to call out for him, but nothing came out. Was I going to let him walk out of here without fixing this?
His hand reached for the doorknob and then paused. He turned around and stalked back toward me, his eyes suddenly blazing. I wanted to reach out to him, to wrap my arms around him and beg him not to go, but maybe we both needed some space to calm down.
“I’ll be back later,” he said softly. “Just… Be careful, okay?”
I nodded. He stepped forward even closer, forcing me to tilt my head to look at him. I would never get used to how much taller he was.
We stared at each other for a few more moments. He was fighting to keep the mask of indifference on his face, warring with himself to saysomething, just as I was.
Resolve spread through me. I’d make this easier on both of us.
I reached up, lifted myself onto my tiptoes, and wrapped my arms around his neck. It was the only thing I could think of that might make him believe how much I needed him, how I would never want to drive him away.
