Page 121 of Touch the Sky
There’s a fury in her eyes, but it’s wild, panicked, like an animal caught in a trap.
She pushes away from Jacinthe and gets to her feet, taking a few paces away to stand with her back to both of us. Her hands are balled into fists, her shoulders shaking with what I think is rage.
I only realize she’s crying when she goes to speak and her voice hitches on a sob.
“I don’t want to leave.”
I glance at Jacinthe to see if she has any idea what’s going on, but she looks just as baffled as me.
“Leave where?” I ask, doing my best to sound steady and reassuring even though my whole world feels like it’s falling apart. “Shel, baby, can you tell me what’s going on?”
She takes a few shuddering breaths before she answers.
“We’re going to leave the farm, and it’s all my fault.”
My body is screaming at me to get up and pull her close, but I can tell she needs the space. I dig my fingers into the hay underneath me and order myself to stay still.
“Honey, nothing is your fault.”
She whirls around, that furious desperation making her eyes flare so wide the whites glow even in the darkness of the barn.
“Yes, it is,” she asserts, “because Jacinthe is your girlfriend now, and last time you had a girlfriend, you had to break up because of me.”
Then her face crumples. She sobs again, and a fresh wave of tears streak through her makeup.
My heart feels like it’s cracking in two.
“Baby,” I soothe, “Claire and I did not break up because of you.”
She stamps her foot even as the tears keep falling.
“Yes, you did! I heard you on the phone. Claire said dating somebody with a kid was too much. You weren’tavailable.”
I have no idea which of my many phone calls with Claire she’s referring to, but the way she says ‘available’ leaves no doubt that’s a direct quote—one that’s clearly been weighing on her for years without me having any clue.
I thought I was always careful, stepping outside or waiting until she was sound asleep to have any kind of relationship conversation with Claire.
I must have fucked up.
Just like I did tonight.
“Sweetie, you heard that? Why didn’t you tell me?”
She never even gave me a hint. She was sad about the break-up, but I thought that was just because we’d had a few outings with Claire and wouldn’t be seeing her again.
I would have handled everything differently if I knew there was even a chance Shel believed it was her fault. The wholereason I broke up with Claire was so Shelwouldn’tfeel like an inconvenience.
She ignores my question and keeps shouting at me.
“Now you won’t be available to Jacinthe because you’re my mom, so she’s going to break up with you too, and then we’ll have to leave!”
My breath catches as everything starts to make sense.
She thinks it’s happening all over again, only with so much more at stake. She was hiding because she thinks she’ll get dragged away from this place.
“I don’t want to leave!” she pleads. “I love it here. I want to live here forever.”
My body goes rigid as I’m faced with the truth.
