Page 74 of Glass Half Full
I thought the hardest thing I’d ever have to do was get on that plane in England, to finally admit defeat, to give up all those dreams and expectations and just go home.
That’s nothing compared to how it feels to walk away from Dylan, but I do it. I put one foot in front of the other. I strain against the magnets that do their best to pull me back to him. I question every inch of distance. I wonder whether it’s the right thing for me or the right thing for him. The campus blurs around me, and I realize it’s because of the tears welling in my eyes. I let them fall, but I don’t sob. I keep walking.
I keep climbing.
Nineteen
Renee
DISSONANCE: The disruption of rhythm or harmony within a phrase, characterized by a harsh collection of sounds
“I’m reallysorry to see you go, Renee.” Monroe sets my letter of resignation aside and looks at me with genuine regret from across her desk. “You’ve been an amazing employee, and you’ve really become part of the family around here. DeeDee is going to be crushed. She’s always talking my ear off about how great you are.”
“I’ll miss her a lot. I’ll miss everyone. I really wish things had worked out.” I pause and swallow down the lump in my throat. “Like I said, the hours just aren’t going to work with my schedule anymore. I’m really sorry to be leaving so soon after I’ve finished training.”
Monroe shrugs. “Sometimes things are beyond our control. I appreciate you being so professional about it.”
“Of course.”
I’d say I lucked out avoiding Dylan today and being able to give my resignation to Monroe instead, but I haven’t seen him once during the two shifts I’ve worked since that day at McGill. Part of me hoped he’d chase after me. Part of me kept hoping he’d be there waiting the next time I turned up at the bar. That hope faded as the week went on, and the heavy weight of regret set in when I realized I couldn’t keep working at Taverne Toulouse.
I can’t keep waiting to see him around every corner. I can’t keep bracing myself for when we eventually come face to face. I can’t spend every shift here pretending I’m fine when part of me falls apart each time I walk through the door.
He isn’t ready for me. He isn’t ready for us. It’s as simple as that. The man I always thought was so bold and brave and charismatic has been hiding from me all week, and as much as I want to stick around and coax him out, I know that’s not my place. That’s not my job.
Having him in my life helped me find a strength I didn’t know I had, but that strength still came from me. I found it. I would have found it whether he came along or not. I can’t find his strength for him, and I can’t stick around and force myself to watch him give up the search.
“I hope you don’t mind me asking,” Monroe begins, pulling me back to the present, “but if there’s more of a reason behind you leaving than just your schedule, I want you to know that anything you say to me is completely confidential. Making this bar a place where employees feel safe and comfortable is one of my top priorities, and if there’s anything we can do around here to be better at achieving that, I’d like to know.”
She watches me from across her desk, and I’m reminded, not for the first time, that nothing gets past Monroe. She’s seen more than I thought.
The first twinges of anxiety tighten around my chest. Feeling out of control is always a trigger. I clench my hands on the edges of my chair, registering the coolness of the metal, the spongy texture of the seat.
Something you can touch.
It works well enough that the tightness in my chest loosens and retracts, leaving me free to breathe, to focus on the moment at hand.
“I’ve always felt comfortable and safe here.” It’s like we’re speaking in code, and I want to get the words right. No matter how things with Dylan and I are now, I don’t want anyone, least of all Monroe, getting the wrong idea about him. “Always. I’m really grateful for that. I was...not going through such a great time when I started here, and Taverne Toulouse has really made a difference in my life, much more than I thought any part time job could. I wish I could have had more time here.”
Monroe nods like I’ve answered her questions, both spoken and unspoken. “Me too. You’re always welcome back. We might have to fire someone, but I’m sure we’ll find a spot if you ever decide you want to give bartending another go.”
I thank her and get up from my chair. I’ve got myself back under control, but I know I need to get out of this room now if I want to maintain it.
“Oh, and Renee,” Monroe adds, “I appreciate the two weeks’ notice, but I’m sure you’d rather not have to stick around that long. If you just want to work until the end of this week, I’m fine with that. I’ll let Dylan know, and we’ll fix up the schedule.”
I try to keep my face impassive at the mention of his name, but it’s futile.
She knows. She totally knows.
I have a feeling she’s letting me off the hook early so I don’t have to deal with two weeks of potential Dylan sightings.
What does she think of me? Is she mad? Disappointed?
This isn’t the time to start playing my old game of twenty thousand questions with my own brain.
“That would be great,” I manage to reply. “Thank you so much.”
I step out into the hallway and draw in a deep breath as soon as I’ve got the office door closed.
