Page 377 of Alchemised
She winced at the sight of it.
She didn’t want to think about the pregnancy. She knew it was there, but it was too much. Other things were of greater urgency.
He closed the book immediately.
Her head still hurt, so she closed her eyes. “Where are those notes from?”
“Some are Bennet’s, I believe. Shiseo collected any non-metallurgical array work he encountered. Said it was something he saw you working on.”
A new gap in her memory seemed to rise to the surface. She’d worked on something like that?
“I don’t remember.” How much was still missing?
“I’m sure it’ll come to you,” he said.
But there was so little time. She opened her eyes, mind grinding like jammed gears. “I never used arrays for vivimancy, or animancy, I don’t think.” Her eyebrows furrowed. “Maybe they wouldn’t work with celestial or elemental formulas. Have you ever used any other numbers for an array?”
Kaine shook his head.
The conversation was painfully stilted. She was walking blind through her own memory, trying to solve a puzzle without remembering which pieces she held. As she talked about her ideas, Kaine nodded, expression appropriately attentive, but his eyes kept glancing at the clock, and he showed no emotion when she tried to engage him in the subject.
She slowly began to realise that he was indulging her. The notes, removing her manacles: It was all an attempt to appease her. It was the library. He was keeping her occupied and motivated to recover her strength, but he had no expectation that it would make any difference. He was managing her.
She stopped talking.
He nodded again, as if agreeing with something she’d said, and stood. “I’ll make sure you have what you need.”
He started for the door, then halted suddenly and turned back. He stood staring at her and the room for a long time before he finally spoke.
“I know we—” He stopped, and his hand curled into a fist, vanishing behind his back. He blinked, staring just past her.
“From what I understand,” he finally said, his voice eerie and removed, “simple methods of abortion are unlikely to be feasible by the time you’ll escape. There are other methods that can be done by vivimancy or surgery. When you go, I’ll try to ensure you have the materials necessary to resolve it, but if there’s anything in particular you’ll need, just tell me. I’ll make sure that you have it.”
Before she could respond, he turned and left.
Helena leaned back, pushing the folio away and forcing herself to look at her body.
Hesitantly, reluctantly, she reached down and pressed her fingers against her stomach, just below her navel, finding the slight swell of her uterus. Her hand trembled almost violently as she let her resonance reach in.
She’d seen the resonance screen, but it was different reaching out herself.
It was startling how small it was.
She snatched her hand away, her heart pounding unsteadily.
Helena had never thought about children. Not until they were something that she couldn’t have and so it didn’t matter what she wanted. A month ago and she would have killed herself in an instant to prevent a baby, any baby, from falling into Morrough’s hands. The pregnancy had not existed for her beyond that context.
But if she escaped, if the choice was hers, what would she do?
When Davies arrived that evening with dinner, she brought etching plates and a stylus. Helena held the stylus in silent disbelief at first. If she’d ever found one searching the house, she would have tried to stab herself through the heart with it.
Kaine really had known her too well.
“Is Kaine here?” she asked.
Davies shook her head.
“When he comes back, can you tell him that I want him?”
