Page 373 of Alchemised
“That’s not my point,” she said. “I’m not trying to talk about that. What I don’t understand is why you’re waiting until I’m gone. Morrough will know you’ve either betrayed or failed him if I escape.”
He drew a breath, composing himself, sharp and cruel as a steel trap. “As I said, there is very specific timing to it all, but none of it concerns you.”
He was trying to wound her into silence, but she refused to let him.
“If I’m gone, Morrough will know you’re the traitor,” she said stubbornly. “Even if he doesn’t, he’ll blame you for letting me escape. He’s desperate, and this—this baby is his best chance. If you could hurt him enough to topple the regime, you would have already done it unless there’s something holding you back.”
Now Kaine said nothing.
She drew a deep breath. “You said things are unstable, and that’s true, but there’s one thing that’s keeping everything together, one thing preventing a collapse. The High Reeve. That’s who everyone is afraid of. They all assume that if anything happens to Morrough, the High Reeve will take over. And now the world knows that’s you.
“Considering it in that light, then there’s only one thing I can think of that would make Morrough seem weak enough for the other countries to finally attack.”
He gave a smooth shrug. “I’d hardly consider you well-apprised about the current political climate. Just because you can only think of one thing doesn’t mean that nothing else exists.”
She met his eyes. “Why don’t you tell me what you’re planning, then? And we can see if I’m missing something.”
He cocked his head, a freezing, mocking intensity suddenly surfacing. “Which part of ‘it doesn’t concern you’ do you not understand? Has the meaning of one of those words slipped your mind? Should I bring a dictionary, perhaps?”
Her throat tightened, her fingers spasming. He was always cruellest when he was vulnerable.
She met his eyes. “If you had a way to weaken or kill Morrough, you would have done it already. You wouldn’t have—” Her throat closed. “I wouldn’t be—pregnant. Which means there’s something preventing you from doing it. And it’s me, isn’t it? You’re waiting until I’m gone, because it won’t matter then if Morrough knows you’re a traitor, because you’ll be dead. Because that’s the only way left to weaken Morrough, losing the High Reeve.”
He stood unmoving a moment longer, and then the façade fell. He gave a long sigh.
“I had really hoped the library would keep you busy for at least a week,” he said, looking exhausted.
Helena waited for him to explain himself, but he didn’t.
“That’s your plan?” Her voice rose, trembling with disbelief. “All this time and you’ve gone with the same plan of hiding me somewhere and getting yourself killed as a traitor, and you think I’ll be all right with it?”
He gave a laugh so low, it hummed in her bones.
“Do you have a better solution for us this time, too?” he asked quietly. “After all, not every single horror that I’ve ever imagined has happened to you yet. Losing you and spending fourteen months trying and failing to find you. Finally getting you back, tortured and broken. Keeping you prisoner—the transference—raping you—” His voice was growing raw with grief and rage.
He had gone white, that scalding gleaming white. “Is this not enough? There are, undoubtedly, still unexplored depths to the potential misery between us. Shall we endeavour to achieve all of it?”
She was silent. There was so much she wanted to say, but finding a way to begin, to reconcile it, felt impossible. Her mind was too small now, too simple to contain it. If she tried, it would shatter.
He released a sharp breath, and his expression closed, the gleam vanishing. His jaw trembled. “This is the best I can do, Helena. I’m sorry, I know it’s never been enough for you.”
“Kaine—” His name came out jagged.
He sighed, resting a hand against the doorframe as though it were propping him up. “I know you want to save everyone; you always do. Unfortunately, that’s not a talent I possess. At least this way you’ll see the war ended. I can give you that.”
“No!” she said forcefully.
He looked up at her, his face hardening. “You always said you wouldn’t choose me over everyone else. I am chained to a sinking ship. I will not take you with me.”
“I was lying!” The words came out a scream. “I didn’t—I couldn’t—I wasn’t g-g—”
She gasped for air, clutching at her chest. Her heart was pounding so unevenly, it wouldn’t let her breathe. She pressed one hand hard against her sternum, ignoring the pain that shot through her arm. The room swam.
Kaine’s fury vanished, and he came towards her hesitantly, kneeling as if she were a skittish animal. He gently took her by the shoulders, holding her upright.
“Helena … breathe. Please. You have to breathe.” His eyes were pleading.
She remembered him. This. That they were like this once. She grasped at him, fingers clutching at his shoulder, her forehead meeting his.
