Page 371 of Alchemised
She stood there, watching the space around her disappear into shadows. It was haunted after all.
She had been the ghost.
She wandered slowly down the hallway, her feet bare. The cold iron in the floor kept her present, sure of what was real.
Kaine appeared on the landing below her as she reached the stairs. He was all in black except the pristine white at his throat, and the barest edges of his cuffs visible at the wrists. His colouring was so stark now, he looked almost like an ink drawing, the sharp lines and contrast of black and white.
“I thought you’d be out,” she said when he didn’t speak.
“I noticed you were up. Do you think you could manage a trip to the main wing?”
No, but she nodded, curious where he’d take her.
He maintained a conscientious distance as they made the journey, warning her quietly of the places where Morrough could be watching.
She kept looking at him, noticing the edge to him, the over-precision. He was exacting to a degree that left him nearly inhuman. It was the array, she realised with slow horror. He was more than distilled. It had transmuted him until there was nothing left but the qualities it permitted.
In his search for her, he’d let it consume him.
They stopped outside a large pair of doors that had always been locked during Helena’s exploration of the house. Opened, they revealed a library.
“I would have brought you here earlier, but I worried Aurelia might be suspicious if you were in this wing too often,” he said, stepping to the side so she had space to enter. “I’ll be gone until evening, but I thought an incentive to exercise and a way to pass the time might suit you.”
Helena didn’t move, peering into the cavernous space. On the far side, she could see a few north-facing windows. Even in late spring, the light in the wing was feeble, the aisles shadowy, and the ceiling so high she could scarcely make it out. The darkness threatened to drop down and swallow her.
She’d just disappear.
“Aurelia might notice now,” she said, not stepping through the doorway.
“She’s gone.”
She looked at him sharply.
“Staying in the city at present. I doubt she’ll come back, but you’ll be warned if she does.”
Helena swallowed. “Maybe—maybe we could come back later.”
Kaine had clearly expected this to tempt her. After all, she had been desperately bored in captivity, and now he was offering a world of preoccupations. His eyes ran over her in a rapid catalogue.
Helena rested her fingers on the wall, feeling the texture of the wallpaper as she wet her lips.
“It’s just a bit dark—in there,” she said. “The ceiling. It wouldn’t be very good if I had a fit … and there’s the—the baby.” She tripped over the word. It was the first time she’d managed to acknowledge it since she’d regained consciousness. Her mind swerved hard around that reality, unable to face its implications.
Kaine flinched, too.
“I’d rather not go in. If that’s all right,” she said.
“Hel—” He started to move towards her, but she tensed, and he stopped short.
He stood, staring at her, one hand barely outstretched. Her cheeks burned, and she looked away.
What must it be like to be stuck with this version of her when she used to be so much more? She couldn’t even fully remember and still found it intolerable. Her jaw trembled.
“I know it’s illogical—being scared of the dark. I know,” she said, and her voice shook. “I’m trying—I know …”
He stepped back, pulling the doors shut, and her heart dropped as the distance between them grew larger. Even though she didn’t want him to touch her, she felt desperate for him to hold her again. Her mind and body were at perpetual odds.
He could not occupy the impossible in-between where she wanted him because there was no distance large enough to erase what had happened that still left him within her reach.
