Page 110 of Alchemised
Then he gave a soft, bitter laugh.
“Oh, you’re pathetic, aren’t you?” he said. “Survival? Really?”
She didn’t know what he meant.
He laughed again. “You expect me to believe that you suddenly care about surviving? When everyone in the Resistance has always been so rabid to die for their cause? But you’re different? Even though you’ve been fantasising a grand murder-suicide for the two of us for months?”
He crouched in front of her, and she had never seen his face this vicious. There was a raw malice in his eyes. “No, the thing eating you alive isn’t surviving or some subconscious instinct to appease me. What you can’t bear is the isolation. The Eternal Flame’s lonely little healer, with no one left to save. No one needs you, and no one wants you.”
He smiled at her, his grin almost fanged. “That’s all this is. You can’t bear being alone. You’ll do anything for the people who’ll let you love them.” He raised an eyebrow. “Wasn’t that what the war was? You wanted to fight, but when they realised what you were, Ilva Holdfast decided you were better suited as Holdfast’s sacrificial lamb. They put you on death row before Holdfast even saw combat.”
“That’s—not—how—it—was.” Helena’s hands were clenched into fists, the punctures in her palm beneath her fingers.
“That is exactly how it was. You know, Falcon Matias left his quarters almost entirely intact. He had a whole stack of correspondence from Ilva dated from when you were in training. She knew all she had to do was dangle Holdfast’s life over your head, and you’d do whatever she asked.” He tilted his head back. “You would have done anything for your friends: made all the hard choices, paid the price without complaint, whored yourself for the war effort. But tell me … because I am sincerely curious, what did Holdfast ever do for you to deserve it?”
She glared at him through burning eyes. “Luc was my friend. He was my best friend.”
“So?”
Helena drew a shuddering breath, looking away. “My father gave up everything so I could study at the Institute, but—it was—it was hard. I—I didn’t want him to know how hard it was.” There was a feeling like a stone lodged in her throat. “But I was—so afraid I’d fail and I—I didn’t know anyone. Luc could have been friends with anyone, but he picked me. I wouldn’t have had anyone without him.”
“So, what now?” Ferron said, straightening his coat, erasing the divots in the fabric where Helena’s fingers had crumpled it. “I’m your replacement Holdfast, is that it? If anyone makes the mistake of speaking to you, you can’t help but latch on to them?”
Helena shrank away, but Ferron wasn’t done. “Let me be very clear, then. I don’t want you. I never wanted you. I am not your friend. There is nothing I want more than the moment I’m finally done with you.”
He turned and left.
WHEN STROUD RETURNED TWO WEEKS later, Helena sat wordlessly for examination. The time had passed in such a dull haze, she’d scarcely even been aware of the days. Like a ghost, she’d let the world slip by around her while she remained frozen in time.
“You’re looking rather grey,” Stroud said, her mouth quirking. “How did the High Reeve’s efforts progress?”
Helena’s throat closed and she said nothing, staring down at her lap, rolling the thin linen fabric of her slip between her fingers.
“Lie back,” Stroud said, setting her satchel on the bedside table.
Stroud pulled Helena’s slip up and aside, setting a cold hand on the lowest part of her abdomen. “It might be too early to tell, but sometimes I’m able to. In your case, the sooner we know, the better.”
Helena’s head pulsed with her heartbeat.
Stroud’s eyebrows furrowed her face into rows of wrinkles as her resonance prodded deeper. A look of surprise swept across her face. “You’re pregnant.”
Helena felt nothing at first. The words were abstract. Conceptual.
Then they ran her through like a longsword.
There were no emotions built up inside her, though; Ferron had ripped them out, and she was still empty.
So she fell inwards.
It was like being forced deep under freezing water: no air, simply unending pressure that crushed her on all sides. Her heart surged until the roar of her blood was all she could hear.
Stroud was still speaking. Helena couldn’t make out the words.
No.
Please, no.
No. No. No.
