Page 336 of Alchemised
She would just have to look for him until she knew.
Every tick of the clock made her flinch. The orderlies, medics, and healers were talking among themselves, but Helena stood frozen, her ribs clamping around her lungs.
You made a mistake. You built the bomb wrong. Kaine was caught while planting it and he’s being tortured, and you don’t even know. Everyone is going to die and it’s all your fault.
Her fingertips and arms were beginning to prick, going numb.
The doors burst open. The room was so blurred, Helena couldn’t make out who it was, but she heard shouting: There’d been an explosion on the West Island. The Resistance had attacked.
Helena stood swaying, trying to feel something, but she still felt empty.
Heat flared around her finger. Just once.
She looked down at her hand, at the ring that was barely there, and her knees gave out.
She dropped straight to the floor and burst into tears, pain splintering across her chest.
There were voices around her, but she couldn’t follow them. All she could do was try to breathe, but her lungs refused to open.
A warm hand wrapped around her elbow, pulling her to her feet.
“Let’s sit a minute,” Pace said as she wrapped an arm around Helena’s shoulders and escorted her to her little office in the storeroom. “Elain can call when someone’s brought in.”
She pushed Helena down into a chair.
Helena let herself be herded along, sitting, eyes closed. She pressed her fingers against her chest, feeling the scarring through her clothes, easing her heart rate back down.
When she finally opened her eyes again, she found Pace watching her.
“What’s happening?” Pace asked.
Helena shook her head. “Nothing. I’m just tired.”
Pace’s features were all pinched together. “You know, they say there’s a point when the Toll becomes exponential.”
Helena shrugged. “They say a lot of things about healers. I don’t know that even half of them are true.”
“Perhaps, but I doubt anyone has ever healed to the extent and magnitude that you have. You have not been well for a long time. You think I couldn’t guess why you started supplementing your treatments with all those tonics and injections? Your trainees barely know how to heal without them, but you worked solo for years. For all you know, you could be risking years of your life every time—”
“I don’t think it’s that …” She reached up absently for the chain, but it was long gone.
Pace shook her head, worry etched into her broad face. “Is it the nullium? We’re seeing so many side effects from the bombing, and you had some of the worst exposure of any of the survivors. That’s not even considering your injury at the time.”
Before Helena could shake her head, Pace continued. “We’re going in blind on all this, without any idea of the potential long-term effects. I suspect Luc’s brain fevers are a symptom of residual nullium in the brain.”
Helena looked at her in confusion. “Luc has brain fevers?”
Pace sighed. “You saw what he was like just after the rescue.”
Helena nodded. “I thought they’d stopped.”
“He tries to keep them hidden, doesn’t want to cause worry, but sometimes they’re so severe that he still grows delirious, claws at his skin, won’t let any men in the room, even Sebastian, screaming things like, ‘Get him out.’ Elain has to sedate him until they pass or he’ll injure himself.”
Helena felt as if she had been staring at a puzzle from the wrong angle for months; now she could suddenly see it clearly.
“He says, ‘Get him out’?” Her voice seemed to come from far away.
“Usually.”
