Page 301 of Alchemised
“Lila.” Helena set the obsidian down, moving tentatively. “Lila, what’s wrong? What happened?”
Lila stared at Helena without responding for a long time.
“I made a mistake,” Lila finally said, her voice barely a whisper, “I’ve made such a mistake.”
Helena swallowed hard. “It’s—all right. I’m sure it’ll be all right. Whatever you’ve done—I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”
Soren’s ghost seemed to hang between them.
“No.” Lila shook her head. “I’ve been lying to everyone. My whole life, I’ve been lying. Now—now I don’t know what to do …”
Her voice was so strained, it trailed off.
“Soren was the only person that knew,” Lila whispered. Her eyes were swimming, but the tears didn’t escape. “He always kept my secrets. Knew what to do about things. Said it was his job—looking out for me.”
“What happened?” Helena reached out tentatively.
Lila looked up and drew a deep breath, her chin trembling before she finally spoke. “I—I’m pregnant.”
Helena didn’t move. Couldn’t speak. She was too stunned to even believe the words Lila had just uttered.
To know she was pregnant meant she had to be at least two or three months along, and that was assuming her cycle was regular, which Helena knew it wasn’t. She’d been in the hospital at that time.
“How?” was the only question Helena could even think to ask. Never mind everything else that this meant.
Lila swallowed, her head moving jerkily, wincing when it pulled at the scars on her neck. “I know. I didn’t think I could. After—everything. I always assumed that it wasn’t even possible.”
“No,” Helena said impatiently. “I mean, yes, that too, but you weren’t pregnant when you were in the hospital. You’ve only been out for—How would you possibly know you’re pregnant?”
Lila looked down, avoiding Helena’s eyes. “That’s—that’s the secret. I know I’m pregnant.”
It was then that something incredibly obvious, which Helena should have realised years earlier, finally dawned on her.
Lila Bayard, who so often came back from battles nearly unscathed, who always recovered miraculously from her injuries, who adapted to a prosthetic leg in months when everyone said it would be a year. Who had never struggled to recover from an injury until she lost her resonance.
“You’re a vivimancer,” Helena said.
Lila didn’t meet her eyes as she gave a small nod. “I never used it on anyone except me. Soren a couple of times, but only when he asked. He said I couldn’t let anyone know. Not even Mum and Dad, because if people knew I wouldn’t be allowed to be Luc’s paladin.”
“All this time?” Helena said softly, startled by the sense of betrayal she felt.
“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you but—you know what it’s been like for you. I couldn’t risk that, not with Luc at stake. I couldn’t be like you—fighting’s all I’m good at.”
The revelation was more than Helena felt she could process right then.
“Who’s the father?” Helena asked, as if it wasn’t completely obvious.
“You know it’s Luc.”
Helena nodded. She wanted to be angry, but her own secrets were worse, and the fact that Lila had turned to her in Soren’s absence spoke volumes.
“You’ve probably heard, they’re planning a tribunal unless I step down as paladin voluntarily.” Lila’s voice was empty and despairing. “I used to tell myself it would all pay off in the end, but the war just kept going. I didn’t ever—I mean, a few times he tried—but I told him off every time.” Lila shook her head. “Doesn’t matter, though, seems everyone thinks we’ve been fucking each other at the front lines. Doesn’t mean anything that we didn’t.” She looked down. “When he came back from taking that district—I know it wasn’t about me, but I felt so ruined. Being left behind and knowing I always will be now. He came and found me after and told me that he’d been thinking about me the whole time, and—” She shrugged. “Everyone thinks we are anyway, so—”
Helena rested a tentative hand on her shoulder. “It’s all right. I can take care of it. If it’s early I can get ingredients or just use vivimancy, whatever you’d prefer. No one will know.”
“No.”
Helena stared at Lila, certain she’d misheard.
