Page 291 of Alchemised
“But—”
“They’ve been doing interviews, and the thing is,” Penny continued, looking a mixture of guilt-stricken and resigned, “we all knew. I mean he tried to be subtle about it, but you could tell just looking. Especially lately, everyone thought it was all going to be over soon. I think Luc thought it’d be fine because no one cared when it was his dad and Sebastian. But there’s always more rules for us girls, and no one under oath can say that Luc’s not compromised. Could you?”
Helena looked away.
Poor Lila. She’d straddled the impossibility of her role for years, rarely making a mistake, but now she was left paying for Luc’s.
What would happen?
Helena swallowed hard, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand. There wasn’t anything they could do about the tribunal. “How’s the leg?”
Penny seemed to shrink. “Fine,” she said too quickly.
Helena reached out slowly. “You know, sometimes the nerve endings don’t realise the amputation has happened, and it can make you feel like the leg’s still there and in pain. I can use my resonance to block it so it doesn’t feel that way.”
“Really?” Penny’s voice had a hint of desperation.
Helena set to work, but even this made her think about Lila.
As far as lost limbs went, it was a good amputation. Maier had been able to salvage as much of the leg as possible and perform a clean cut, without the rush of an emergency. “You know, you might be able to get a prosthetic.”
“I don’t think my repertoire is good enough for much,” Penny said with a bitter smile, but the strain in her expression was already clearing. “Maybe a basic one, though, so I can stay on, maybe man the radios. I don’t want to get sent off.”
“The forge-masters are very talented. Titanium bonds well for most people, and it’s a lot lighter than the old models.”
“I guess we’ll see,” Penny said.
There was silence while Helena worked, and then Penny spoke again. “Is it true, what Luc said? When Soren came to save Alister and me, was he dead?”
Helena flinched as if she’d been kicked through the skull, Soren’s name striking like an anvil. She was drowning again.
Penny’s leg wavered in Helena’s vision.
“When I first heard the rumour, I thought it was ridiculous. I was sure I would have noticed if he was dead. But sitting here, I keep thinking about it, the way he didn’t stop fighting no matter what they did to him. He never screamed—not even when they started tearing him apart.” Penny’s voice shook. “I think I’d rather believe he was dead.”
Helena’s skin crawled as if those cold fingers were dragging across it. She blinked, pushing the thoughts and memories of Soren back and away, again wilfully forcing her consciousness to swerve around the wound that his memory evoked.
She knew better than to outright confess. She bit her lip for a moment. “Soren said we had to do anything, no matter what it took, to save Luc.”
Penny was quiet for a long time. “I don’t know how to feel. I know I’d be dead if he hadn’t come right then … but—” Her lips trembled. “—what if that was a test? All these years of fighting the good fight, but then in the final moment, instead of staying true, we chose the easy way.”
Helena was glad that she was nearly done working on Penny’s leg, because the conversation was making her hands shake. Easy. She hated that word.
She swallowed hard. “If one person’s actions are enough to damn everyone, then the gods are terrible, and Sol is the worst of all.”
“You don’t mean that,” Penny said sharply, catching her by the wrist, clutching at it until her fingers bit into her skin. “Look at me, Helena. You don’t mean that. It works the other way, too. Orion passed the test, and think of all the blessings that came from that.”
Penny seemed desperate to convince her.
“I remember when you first came here. We were in the same dorm. You said that Paladia was the most beautiful place in the whole world. The Shining City, you called it. You said that in Etras people didn’t really believe in the gods, but here in the North, you understood why they did, because how else could a place be so beautiful. Don’t you remember that?”
She found Helena’s hand and squeezed it. “That’s what you said. I think you still believe that, deep down. You were just—you were just scared and you—made a mistake, but you can repent. If you talk to the Falcon, he makes it all so clear. The journey, all the suffering, it’s what we need. How else can we be purified? Even—even when it’s hard, we have to be grateful for it, because that’s what makes us pure.”
Penny was smiling at Helena, fervently trying to convince her. “That’s why it’s better for all of us to die true to what we believe than to live on by betraying and corrupting ourselves. I know you meant well, saving us, but you should have trusted Sol.”
Helena pulled her hand free. “Penny, if I thought we’d all die, I wouldn’t be so afraid of losing. What they’ll do to us if we lose will be far worse than death.” She shook her head. “There will be nothing purifying about it.”
EVEN AFTER DAYS OF CHELATING treatment, Lila’s resonance failed to return. The Council was trying to keep the news quiet, not wanting to cause a panic. The chelators were supposed to sequester the metal in Lila’s blood to flush it out, but it wasn’t working as effectively as expected.
