Page 246 of Alchemised
Crowther said nothing, but she could feel him watching her like a hawk. She could only wonder what he was noticing, dissecting her behaviour, organising all the details of his observations into a mental file.
Helena pressed her hand against her sternum, trying to make the warmth from her palm seep into her, to speak calmly so that Crowther would believe her, not write her off as hysterical.
“He was so upset afterwards that he told me everything. He started crying after he told me about his mother. He always knew you were going to betray him. It was part of his plan. That’s why he’s kept climbing rank; he figured the more important he was, the greater the blow—when it happened.”
There was a long silence after that.
Crowther gave a low sigh that sent Helena’s heart skyrocketing.
“If he’s such a suicidal martyr, why would he cooperate now?”
Her throat closed. Her fingers twisted at the loose fabric of her shirt. “Well, now that he can’t deny the obsession to himself, I don’t think he knows how to let go. Like you said, the Ferrons are self-destructively possessive. The array made it worse. He regards me as—” She swallowed. “—as his. I think that’s what changed things. He still doesn’t care about survival, but he also doesn’t know how to let go.”
Crowther’s lips pursed. He ran his thumb slowly against them, considering.
Helena watched him, twisting her fingers, squeezing until her knuckles ground together. “Will you—will you tell Ilva? I know you both think I’m compromised, but I did what I was told to. He said he’ll do whatever you want. I did it—I did—”
Her voice failed, and she started shaking uncontrollably. She gripped her arm, using her resonance to force the valerian to take effect. Calm down.
“Yes,” Crowther said, “I’ll speak with Ilva. You—did do as instructed.” He cleared his throat. “If he’s prepared to prove himself, that changes things.”
Helena nodded, glancing blindly around the room, unable to feel relief. “Thank you.”
She started towards the door, although she wasn’t sure where she was going to go. She didn’t think she was calm enough to return to Headquarters, but she couldn’t stay here.
“Marino.”
She winced. Crowther was still watching her. There was an odd look in his eyes, like he was seeing more than she wanted him to.
He swallowed several times and pressed his fingertips together. “I was about the same age you were when the Holdfasts brought me to Paladia.”
Helena drew back. She knew that Crowther had been one of the Holdfasts’ sponsored students, but he’d been brought in as an orphan after the Holdfasts had saved him. Helena had never considered their experiences as similar.
“My family and village were murdered at the hands of a necromancer. They crawled up from the ground and left me in the snow to die. When the Eternal Flame came, there was no saving them, only lighting the fires to erase the atrocities they’d become. I chose to distinguish myself with my willingness to do what is necessary. Not for glory or for the Faith, but because someone must do whatever it takes to stop the rot. I’ve never regretted my choice.”
He looked down at his right hand, slowly opening and closing it. It was thinner than his other hand—the muscles had wasted over the years.
He was silent for so long that Helena finally realised the speech was meant as a sort of apology. That in some way he regarded them as alike, and she had done something for him and now he regretted treating her so poorly.
She didn’t want an apology, though.
“Are you—” He blinked and started again. “Is there—healing you require?”
Her spine went rigid. The last thing she wanted was Elain or Ivy anywhere near her.
“He wasn’t violent,” she said sharply. She folded her arms tightly around herself. Her voice was very tense, her throat refusing to relax. “It was just—abrupt. Besides”—she let her voice grow venomous—“wasn’t healing myself part of your instructions from the very beginning?”
Crowther looked away. “If you need clearance for anything, I’ll see that it’s signed off.”
“I just came here to fix my hair and get a new shirt. I wasn’t injured,” she said, growing angry at this sudden and belated attempt at concern.
They’d been so clear that she was alone in this, and now that the ruse was finally up, now that it had come out that they hadn’t really sold her off, forever, without a second thought, they thought she’d want them to care?
A sick heat burned in the pit of her stomach.
“You should allow people to look out for you.”
A harsh, sobbing laugh split her chest at the absurdity of his words.
