Page 239 of Alchemised
That should hurt.
His frame practically enveloped her, his lips nipping at her hairline. His arms wrapped around her shoulders, holding her tight against himself. She forced her eyes open, wanting a glimpse of what he felt in that moment.
Even now, his jaw was tense. His expression guarded. His mouth held in that hard, flat line.
But his eyes …
She could tell—
He was hers.
The realisation broke her heart.
Kaine dropped his head against her shoulder, moaning into her skin, pulling her closer, and then suddenly, it wasn’t merely a pleasure he was taking in her. Heat came to life inside her, her sense of control untethering as it threatened to engulf her. But shame and guilt rose equally quick, cold and bitter as seawater, until she was on the verge of sundering.
His body shook. He gave a low groan, slumping, arms still around her. His breath dragged across her skin as he panted, pressing a kiss on her bare shoulder.
Helena lay still, the weight of his body against her, suddenly aware of the cold radiating from the floor. The dirt and gravel and rough cloths that bit against her skin, rubbing it raw.
The only thing she could think of was how relieved she was that it was over before anything else had happened.
Even whores were not so low as to find pleasure in their work the way she nearly had.
She tried to lie still and not tremble. Kaine’s body and breath were the only warmth in that cold place. Then he went rigid and shoved himself away. His expression was drawn, and he didn’t even look at her as he scrambled off, pulling his clothes back on.
Helena slowly sat up, watching him because she didn’t know what else she was supposed to do.
He was growing paler and paler as he re-dressed. His expression disbelieving.
“Fuck—” he muttered, dragging a hand through his hair before he pulled his shirt back on.
His breathing was growing unsteady. When his shirt was on, he fumbled for the buttons, and when he found some missing, he seemed blindsided.
He clamped a hand over his mouth as if he were about to be sick. His throat dipped, and he closed his eyes. He drew a deep breath before he turned to face her, his expression cold. He only looked at her face for an instant before his eyes dropped down, and the little colour remaining in his face vanished.
“You—were you a virgin?”
Helena looked down. There was blood smeared at the top of her inner thigh. No wonder it had hurt.
She pressed her knees together instantly and shoved her skirts farther. “It was assumed that was how you’d want me,” she said, trying not to think about everything the question insinuated.
For a respectable girl to lose her virginity was to give up everything, a career, education, alchemy. Only virgins were given Lumithia’s grace. If Helena were somebody of note, Kaine would be expected to marry her now. An indiscretion like this was the reason for his parents’ marriage after all.
Clearly he’d never considered her as belonging in that category. Her lungs shrivelled inside her chest.
“I—” His voice failed him. “I—I would have been gentler—if I’d known.”
She drew her legs closer, as if being smaller would shield her from being so seen.
“I didn’t really want you to be,” she said quietly. Her hands shook as she tried to get her clothes back on.
His mouth closed then, and the room went still. She could feel the change in the air between them. But she didn’t understand why it mattered, why this was the line he’d drawn.
The array must be part of it. Just after he was healed and fully internalising its effects, he’d kissed her. Wanted her. It had created a crossroads for him; that was why he’d stayed away for so long after that. Perhaps giving in, even once, was enough to tip the scales. Perhaps he couldn’t change course now; he’d made his choice.
Obsessive and possessive.
She had him. If she was smart enough to leverage it.
