Page 208 of Alchemised
Helena looked down at her nails. The nail beds were all stained with dirt, and her skin was tinged green from cuttings. “He said it’s thanks for healing him.”
“I’m sure.” There was a melodic note of sarcasm in Ilva’s tone.
Helena bit her lip. She hated debriefings like this, disclosing all her conversations and interactions, laying out Kaine’s words, his tells, his lack of tells. Letting Ilva or Crowther dissect him as if performing a kind of emotional vivisection, identifying his weaknesses and vulnerabilities so that Helena could be sent back to try to exploit them with greater precision.
“Anything else?”
She looked up to find Ilva studying her closely. The brusqueness had thawed after Kaine had resumed training her. Now that Helena had potential use, she was worth their time again.
“With the way things are going, I don’t think we should discount the possibility that Ferron may kill me.”
Ilva straightened, her thin lips vanishing. “Are you asking to be pulled out, Marino?”
There was a sudden intensity in her voice.
Helena’s chest tightened as she shook her head.
“No. We need the information. I just—I want to know what I should prioritise. Elain is probably best suited as my replacement, but there’s still a lot of basic medical knowledge she needs to learn, and that’s not even considering some of the more advanced healing techniques that she’s been afraid to do. She’s not as driven. I think the Council will need to officially designate her as my alternate so I can push her harder.”
“I’ll speak with Jan and look over the hospital’s reports. If you could make a list of which areas would have the least redundancy, that would be useful.”
“All right.” Helena’s voice came out stilted and mechanical. A thought occurred to her. “Shiseo—he’s a metallurgist. Could I ask him to test my resonance for my alloy?”
Ilva coughed. “If you’d like.”
Helena stood to leave.
“Helena,” Ilva called softly just as she reached the door.
She paused, looking back. Ilva’s expression was unreadable.
“Tell me, what’s your strategy with Ferron now?”
Helena paused, feeling tired. She couldn’t rightly remember the last time she hadn’t been tired. She leaned against the door, letting it brace her.
“I think … he wants me. Treating the array changed things between us, but he knows what I’m doing.” She swallowed hard. “He’s very obsessive about things. I think he always has been, but the array makes it worse. If things go according to plan, that’ll be good for us. I don’t think he’ll ever abandon the Eternal Flame then. Willingness seems critical with him, and he knows mine is conditional on the Eternal Flame’s survival. But—given how far he’s willing to go for things, I’d say there’s a chance he’d destroy anything that stood in his way. That might include me.”
Ilva was silent, still watching Helena.
Helena felt raw, as if she’d been flayed and was now being kept under observation. “Maybe I’m just overthinking it.”
Ilva looked down at her desk, picking up a glass paperweight and rolling it in her hands. “You’ve done much more than I expected.”
Was that supposed to make her feel better?
Standing there, Helena thought she should feel something, but instead her heart seemed to be compacting inside her chest, growing smaller and harder day by day. She used to think she had so much to give that she could never run out; now she felt like an upended pitcher, with an impatient cup waiting for the last drop.
“I’m not—” she started, and then paused. She twisted at the ring around her finger. “I think he’s lonely.”
Ilva straightened, rising several inches in her seat. “I hope you’re not getting attached, Helena. The Eternal Flame is depending on you to stay on mission. If you’re compromised, you should say so.”
Helena shook her head, regretting the comment. “Never. My loyalty will always be to the Eternal Flame.”
Ilva’s expression remained wary. “You know,” she said slowly, “I can only keep Luc and his unit away from the worst fights if we know which ones they’ll be.”
Helena’s heart slammed into her throat. “I know.” Her voice was tight. “I’m doing everything I can. I’ll never do anything that could risk Luc.”
Ilva’s posture softened. “All right, then. You can go.” She waved her hand in dismissal, returning to her files.
