Page 72 of I Despise You
“I’ve never talked about it to anyone, not even my therapist. My father would kill me if I did that. I probably shouldn’t tell you anything either. It’s my mess. You don’t need to worry about it.”
“It’s fine, and no one will know if you tell me.”
His chest moves as he inhales deeply. “Ever since I got clean, I can’t stop thinking about Kayla. The night it happened... I mixed my pills and alcohol, and I can’t remember much about any of it. When I woke up, she was dead, and I freaked because I thought I killed her. But my father told me she overdosed, and that it wasn’t my fault. I believed him because it was the only thing I could do, and I started taking more pills to help me forget. But now I don’t think I can live with myself without knowing what really happened, and I think my father lied to me and maybe made a deal with the cops who were at the scene. I reached out to one of them, but my father found out and he’s pissed.”
“So you really don’t know what happened? Not even bits and pieces of it?”
He shakes his head. “It’s all a blur. I remember she came to my room, but I decided to go out for some reason. I don’t know why or how long it took. But then I returned to my room. It was dark. I fell asleep. I don’t think I even remembered Kayla. Or maybe I did, and I...”
I don’t know what to tell him. “Is there any other way you can find out what happened?”
“I don’t know. But if my father wants me to drop the whole thing, it’s probably because I’m guilty and he doesn’t want anyone to know.”
“But you need to know.” If I were him, I’d want to know. Not knowing would eat me alive, and it’s probably eating away at Chase now.
“Yeah. I guess my father thinks I’m not ready to hear the truth. If I really did it, I’ll turn myself in, and my father doesn’t want that. He’s too worried about what people will think because then everyone will know he covered it up the first time.”
“Maybe you can tell him you won’t turn yourself in if he tells you the truth. Can’t he understand that it’s impossible to live with a secret like that?”
He snorts. “My father doesn’t have any trouble living with his secrets. He doesn’t even care, as long as he doesn’t have to suffer any consequences for his actions. He got away with—” He cuts off mid-sentence as he glances at me.
“With what?” I have a feeling he paused because he thinks whatever he has to say will upset me and not because he’s not comfortable telling me.
“With raping my mom.” His voice cracks a little.
My eyes widen as I remember the conversation I overheard between him and his father. Is this what Chase meant when he said his mom kept reminding him of it? Oh god.
“I’m sorry,” I say softly.
“He’s the only one who should be sorry, but he’s not. I don’t know how he explains it to himself, but I don’t think he blames himself at all. And my mom was left with all the consequences of what he did, including me. In the end, he destroyed her and she couldn’t live with it anymore, so she took her own life. I guess I did too, because she had to look at me every day. A few hours before I found her in a pool of blood, with her wrists slit, she told me that she hated me and that I’d never achieve anything in life on my own and without using someone and destroying them like my father does all the time.”
I’m so shocked that I barely manage to choke back a gasp of horror. I can’t even imagine going through something like that and coming out unscathed and unaffected.
“Chase, it’s not your fault. You were just a kid, and it’s not your fault your father’s a monster. Even if your mother said some things to you because she was hurting, that doesn’t mean they’re true or that she truly meant them.” I cross the distance between us and wind my arms around him.
He’s tense, not touching me at first, but then he relaxes a little and hugs me back.
“But I’m a monster too.” He pulls away from me. “I don’t even know if I killed Kayla, and all this time, I’ve done nothing to try to find out the truth. I just took the easy way out and tried to pretend nothing happened. And then you... What I did to you is unforgivable too.”
“I don’t think you’re a monster. Monsters only care if they got away with their crimes and they don’t care about anyone other than themselves. Maybe you wanted to pretend nothing happened at first, but now you want to make things right. I want to help you with that.”
“Why? I don’t deserve your help.” His eyes bore deep into mine.
“I’m the one who decides who deserves my help and who doesn’t. I think it’s super important that you know the truth, and if there’s anything I can help you with so you can find out what really happened, you should let me know.”
“Thanks. I should go back to my room. The guard’s probably gone now.”
“Yeah, sure.”
He glances at me before he disappears through the door, and it’s hard for me to let him go, especially after what he told me. I don’t know if he should be alone right now. But I hope he’ll be all right.
