Page 131 of A Touch of Stars and Stones
I pause a few feet from her and wait for her to say something. The instinct to feel for her emotion is right there, but I tap it back down, smother it and wait.
“I wanted to go. At least, I thought Nettle would just take me. But as the trees and grass started to thin, I remembered how much nothing there was. And I didn’t want to get lost out here. I lost my nerve.” Her voice is full of anguish and defeat, and it kills me inside. I’m not sure if she’s still angry, so start off with facts, easing her into talking some more.
“My father’s sent Warriors after you. You can’t leave Kirrasia.”
“Well, I’m not leaving,” she snaps. “Apparently, I don’t have the guts to do that.”
I scuff the hard ground with the tip of my boot. “We can just sit out here. Like that first night when things were simple.” Before you knew you were a Fifth. But were things ever simple for her? And hadn’t I kept things from her then, too? Smaller things, but still.
“The night you said you’d help me?” She chuffs in a mocking tone as if she’s not buying anything I say.
“I’m always helping, Ever. Even now.” Keep to the truth. No more lies.
“At your father’s bidding again?” she taunts, turning her head towards me.
“He warned me to find you before the guards he sent did. I wasn’t going to let that happen.” Just the thought of them putting their hands on her, because they would tonight, had my hands flexing at my sides.
“Has he passed on any other pieces of wisdom you want to fill me in on?” The hollow edge to her voice sends a shiver down my spine, reminding me this is my fault. Even in the pitch of night, I wish she’d look at me, tell me we’ll get through this—that she’ll forgive me.
I sit down beside her, my knees resting between my elbows as I stare out into the darkness. “He’s watching you. He’s scared of you, or what you represent, maybe. I don’t fucking know. But Ido want to find out. And I don’t want anything to be between us from now on. I’m sorry I chose not to tell you. It was a mistake.”
She rolls back onto the dirt and looks up at the stars rather than face me.
“This isn’t how I thought today would go,” she sniggers. I thought it would be about you and me. And instead, it’s more bullshit about what everyone in this place wants to keep from me.” She huffs out a deep breath. “Parents, Ten. You didn’t think that’s something I’m entitled to know about.”
“Of course, but I don’t know anything. Not yet.” My defence is weak, and I question my own decision not to tell her everything. “I promise, there is nothing more to tell you.”
“I want to see your father. I want to know what the Order is keeping from me. Because they are, right? You said that. I’m not just being paranoid.”
“Look, I have no right to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. But I think there’s a different way.”
“Oh, really? You’re going to burst in with this great plan about training me again? I thought it was because you wanted to protect me. To help me.”
Her voice catches, and I hear the sadness behind the anger, and I vow to undo it.
“It is. Don’t you get that? We don’t have enough time, Ever. The first trial is less than a couple of weeks away, and we’ve only just started. Training takes months. We have scraps of time, carved from sheer will to work at this. At least on my part. What he wants is for you to fail.” She doesn’t say anything to that, and I hope she can hear the urgency in my voice. “He doesn’t want you finding out whatever it is he’s keeping hidden. Whatever it is that he’s frightened of. He wants you in the dark.”
“Great. You and he have that in common, then.”
The need to reach out and put my hands on her and implore her to hear me, blisters my skin. “Listen to me. He wants me tomake sure you’re not asking questions, and says that I should remember that there’s more at stake here if you do. I’m not listening to him. I’m not doing his bidding. I’m helping you, even if you feel betrayed right now. But if we show our hand or start asking too many questions now, then we may never know. We’ll lose our advantage.”
“You call this an advantage?” she scoffs.
“I say we make it one. Kamari is another problem.”
“Kamari?” She turns to me at that.
“She was there with my father when he sent me after you. They all were. I can’t say at the moment, who knows what, but I don’t trust her now.”
“This is all ridiculous. Is it that big a deal? A Fifth?”
“When you see my memory of our conversation, you’ll see. I hope,” I offer her that. “But I think it is a big deal, Ever. There’s a reason for all of this. We just need to find it.”
She’s quiet for a while. The darkness stretches over us. Only the occasional sound from Nettle stirs the night.
“It’s late. Do you want to go back?” I turn to her and see her arm resting at her side. My fingers inch across the dirt to touch her, but she interrupts me before I can.
“Okay, but tomorrow, you show me the conversation with your father, and then together, we’ll decide on what to do next.”
